Lists.

Kitten gets twitchy when she sleeps.
I write stories about a photograph from 4 different perspectives.
I listen to Billie Holiday all day.
I miss Natalie.
I make pizza from scratch.
I don't feel like cleaning my house.
I'm lonelynotlonely.
I don't like washing my hair, but I do twice a week.
Kitten always steps on my laptop while it's open.
I wish I had a beautiful kitchen and lots of money to experiment with food.
I need to read some books.
I need to buy a book.
I should probably brush my teeth because I need to leave soon and I ate pizza.
I should probably finish my homework.
Let's call the whole thing off!
I love Billie Holiday.
My mom things that's weird.
I'm going to give Max a hair cut I guess.
I just want to hang out with Natalie.
I don't really know about anything I decided.
I forgot to close my window and it's been open for like 3 or 4 days now, but it hasn't been cold. It's been rather pleasant.
I can't find my travel mug.
Mike and I made vegan casserole and vegan banana chocolate chip bread last night. It was delicious.
I love cooking.
I need to work.
I tweet too much.
I don't really like ginger ale I don't think.
I need to be a good student.
I don't really know what I need.

I think I'm done blogging now.

Go back to the start.

I love the new Lilly Allen album. It's fucking fantastic. I keep listening to it over and over again at work. I'm pretty sure people are going to start getting real sick of me real quick.

Last night was silly. Alison's 21st birthday. We kicked ass at beer pong. I met some cool people. Had a good time. And people seemed to like the cake. I of course could find nothing but problems with it, but that's how I am with anything I bake. I'm just like my Grandma that way.

I'm feeling pretty alright today. Things are sort of just floating lately. But I'm kind of alright with that. I'm just going to be whatever I am. John Paul Sarte would high five me right now.

There's a new version of Pokemon coming out on the 22nd. Anyone want to buy it for me? Thx.

Tired eyes

I just drank a travel mug full of french press and my eyes are heavy and my head feels light. I've only been sick for a week and it already feels like an eternity. All I want to do is go back to sleep.

I would really like to snap out of my funk and become a fully functioning human being again. I feel like I've been a zombie at work and school and I'm not really doing a good enough job of things. I feel like I've been extra flakey and letting my friends down. I'm just so tired. I'm so so tired.

It was my Grandma Marlus' birthday yesterday. My brother and I went and visited her grave. It was strange. I still remember what she smells like. I still remember how she used to laugh. And call me skinny minnie. And baby girl. And hug me so tight whenever I came home to visit. And the way she would get so frustrated about everything and point her finger at you.
I remember holding her hand and telling her "I'm not worried Grandma. You're a fighter." That was the last time I got to see her.

It really doesn't seem like it's been almost 3 years. I miss her so much still. I feel like next time I go home she'll just be there with cookies and kisses and everything will be okay. I wish. I wish so hard.

Ugh. I want to be back in my bed with my kitten plz.

We change, we wait.

I feel numbed. And I know people say that a lot, but it's true. There is no real anything resonating from inside of me. It's all just reaction. There is no real emotion behind anything I do lately. No real rationale. I am lost again. I'm trying so hard not to start floating away again.

But it just gets easier and easier and easier. What matters? I have no idea.

I know this sounds stupid. I know this sounds absolutely selfish and sad and absurd. But I can't feel logic anymore. I can't feel happy or sad or anything. Because I spent so long feeling scared and introspective and worried, that nothing makes sense if I'm not trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. And I spent so long caring for someone that I thought cared for me. But then... I don't even want to think about it. It's not that he doesn't care. I know he cares. It's just... I hate to sounds like an asshole... but it just wasn't enough. It wasn't what I thought. It wasn't what I felt. It just.... it wasn't.

But all I want to do is go back to his house and sit with him and hold his hand and tell him it will all be okay and that he doesn't need to worry. That I'm there. But I've become a ghost. I feel like I don't even have a reflection anymore. I'm just nothing. But I'm here. I know I am. I see my breath when I walk outside. I feel my heart. I feel my muscles. But that's all I can feel. The simple bag of skin I am. I feel what's tangible. But everything inside of me, the things that make me human, they've all disappeared.

I promise, if you see me, I'll smile. I'll laugh. I'll make jokes. I'll listen. I'll even hold your hand and tell you everything will be okay. I might even be fun to hang out with. But inside, I'm dead. Half-dead. Near-dead.

When do I get someone to come hold my hand and tell me not to worry because everything will be okay?

Obsessive

I had a dream last night that a bookstore had an overstock of a bunch of books that they were just giving away for free. I happened upon a bin outside of their door, and EVERY SINGLE DONNA HAY BOOK EVER was in the bin, as well as some novels I've been wanting to read. I wanted this dream to be real so badly. I am absolutely a pathetic person.

I also had this weird dream that I can't really remember right now, but then I had a dream that I was telling someone about the weird dream that I had. Super bizarre.

My brain hasn't been working lately. I've got the flu I'm fairly certain. I've felt completely off since last Sunday. I hope I'm not sick for much longer. I can't take it.

Expressionless.

I'm sitting in front of Starbucks on Washington in my car lurking Wi-Fi, waiting for Mike to get out of class. I already had coffee today, so I didn't really feel like paying for something else.

I feel incredibly empty today. I'm trying to smile and laugh but it all seems so forced. I don't know what I'm doing. I just feel like I'm drifting and responding to things the way I'm conditioned to. Everything is absolutely so contrived. I am blank.

I walked by the tea place twice, not on purpose. The first time I managed not to look in. The second time Luke was pointing something out and I saw him. I instantly felt a wave of crushing, sickening sadness. Everything feels wrong. I have no idea.

I'm going to Natalie's soon to make sushi. I'm really glad that she is my friend. I just hope I can be a little bit fun to hang out with.

What Am I Supposed to do?

Today has been the worst.

I have no idea.

I can't even move.

Ugh. Fuck everything.