Word Vomit.

I've been having fucking mouth diarrhea lately. I cannot control what I say and I'm annoyed by the sound of my own voice. I'm going into hiding today so I don't say more stupid things to people that shouldn't hear them.

Last night was fun but I'm crawling out of my skin today. I need to be more tactful. I know it's not even a big deal but srsly. I can't behave myself lately. But cupcakes and vodka was definitely a fantastic idea. I'm the only person I know that gets a party going by saying "HEY LET'S GET DRUNK AND MAKE CUP CAKES!!" So good.

Derek is letting me use his old iphone. He deserves a kitchen aid for his kindness. O WAI...

Also I can now say that I have been to Cadillac Pawn. LOLLERZ.

Doing things you've never done.

Today I went and had acupuncture. She put 17 needles in my body and let me lay like that for a half hour. It was one of the coolest things I've ever done. I really want to do it again.

I didn't go to class today. I just felt so good and relaxed after the acupuncture I just didn't even feel like doing anything.

I bought things to make 2 types of cupcakes. I'd really like for my oven to stop being horrible. I have plans dammit!

Poohki and I had sake last night and had so many good talks. I had a really good time. I just have nothing but good things to say lately.

Today has been lovely. I'm at Derek and Sara's hanging tou now, watching the food network, and Sara is making dinner. She's never made dinner for herself, let alone other people. I'm excited. I can't listen right now.

Perspective.

This is my week. You can stop asking me why I'm always busy now.

Donna Hay is my new favorite magazine.

Necessity.

I need love and conversation.
I need baking and creativity.
I need friends and adventures.
I need learning and reading.
I need guidance and freedom.

That is all.

Bananas

I've been eating banana everything lately. All I want is bananas all day. Yesterday I was craving banana bread and today all I can think about is Derek's banana muffins.

Last night was a mess of fun. Miranda invited me to the Bedlam theater with her, Lauren, Benjamin and Sheena. She sang a beautiful song she wrote, we drank and laughed. It was actually really awesome. Sort of a cabaret type performance shindig going on. There was one woman that wouldn't stop fucking yelling though and I wanted to sock her in the mouth. Obnoxious.

After that we went to Grumpy's and sang karaoke really horribly/excellently. I had a marvelous time. It was a wonderful night.

Somehow I got a split in my knuckle that I didn't notice until I was brushing my teeth to go to bed last night. It hurts really badly. I hate having cuts there it's absolutely the worst place.

Kitten kept biting my feet last night. There is construction going on across the hall every weekday morning starting at like 7:30am. I did not sleep very well. I keep having really strange dreams about art museums and parties and people I used to know. I don't know what it all means, but I think it means I am missing something.

My mom is coming to stay with my tomorrow. She's bringing me a kitchen table and taking me shopping for chairs. I can't say I'm not incredibly excited because I am THE MOST excited. I'm going to make dinner for my mom, brother and Cody hopefully. I'm doing an internet search for menu items today. And I'm going to make cupcakes too for dessert. Noms!

This week has been fast and dreamy. I'm continuing my search. And writing letters. I'm going to ask my mom about culinary school. Tomorrow. I need a new book to read.

Also I am lusting after these.

Cuppacake.

Alright whatever. I'm done complaining.

All I've been doing this week is reading cooking blogs. I would really love to have a Kitchen Aid mixer. I'd also love to go to culinary school. These are things that I think I should pursue. At least the latter.

I should be working on my objectives for my internship, but since I don't have MS Word (fuuuuuuck. Thanks for crashing, computer!), I'm blogging instead.

I have class in 20 minutes. First class I'm attending this semester. Seems crazy considering I was at school all day Monday, Tuesday, and all day today. 5 meetings from 8:30 to 3:30. What a crazy day. It wasn't that bad. It's just weird to be like....in a career but at school but with two jobs but not really sure what I want to do with my life. Social life? What's that? I hang out with my cat...? Does that count?


I'm going to start writing letters this week.

I got some really good news this morning.

Tickets to NY are only 200$ right now....

Let's just get it all into place.

Austin for Culinary school? Hmmmmmmmmm.

Don't Blog.

Seriously. My blog is stupid. All I do is talk about how sad I am. How I can't make any decisions. Or how great my day was/life is. But what the fuck. Everything I write is so bi-polar it doesn't even goddamn make sense. So why do I even type in this space? I haven't even been decent at writing for years. I lost my savvy when I started college it seems like. I stopped reading as much, started doing other things, lost time, lost interest. What the fuck am I even interested in anymore? Reading blog entries of mine from when I was 19 up until now is like reading the journal of 10 different people.

I don't know what I want. I never do. I think I do, but I don't. I can never make up my mind. I want it all. I want none of it. I am probably insane. I feel too much. I think too much. I worry too much. I wish I could shut it off. I could logic it all away. Bury myself in tasks and work. Forget that I even have emotions.


Just forget it. Forget all of it. I don't want to care anymore. Being selfish is easier. Being self-reliant is easier. I'm a teenage girl. I fucking cry and whine and complain and that's all I'm good at. And THAT is depressing.