we are light.
we are made of light.
and we are shining.
we are penetrating ever crevice.
we are reflecting around corners and floating under cracks in doors.
we are everywhere all the time.
and we are nowhere never.
light light light.
we are everything.

Staggering.

First and foremost, I'm pretty well convinced that everything happens for a reason.

That being said, I would like to describe my current life situation.

1. I haven't paid my rent this month yet and definitely can't afford to.
2. I've been acting like it's the apocalypse lately. I haven't had this much alcohol since I was going through that phase a few years ago.
3. All I want to do is go home, but I can't afford to.
4. I'm getting laid off at Robotlove at the end of the month because they can't afford to keep me on.
5. By some (quite unfortunate) serendipity, one of the receptionists got the boot at the tattoo shop, which means I can pick up enough hours to get me to a 35 or 40 hour work week over the summer. SCORE. Money!
6. I don't know if I can afford school next year, and all I want to do is study abroad. Japan plz.
7.I feel let down lately. I'm probably neglecting the people that legitimately care about me, aside for that Mike that I spend all my time with.

That's pretty much all I got. I miss Alison, Derek and Sara. I miss Niki. I miss Joe. I miss Cody and Z. I feel like I'm just lost.

Hot Commodity

Knowing yourself is far more important than one can ever really realize.

Back to summer. I can't wait to have a legitimate day off.

Missing Pieces and Fuck You's.

I'm doing everything I can to not work on my homework right now. Bad, bad, bad. My work ethic has fallen by the way side.

I've got a whole lot of emotions under my surface bubbling away. A whole lot of thoughts that I've been thinking. I realized that if I just don't think those thoughts, nothing matters. What happens externally is all other people see. So why even burden yourself? My internal dialogue has become a tumult of existentialism.

I had a long conversation with my brother about whether or not love exists the other day. I called him naive. He got kind of upset and called me a nihilist. What am I becoming? I don't believe in anything except floating anymore. And I'm not sad or self-destructive. I'm just tired of being disappointed.

I want to stay up all night tonight. I want to make a mural. I want to write words and share sentiments and have long conversations. I need to empty my head.

I just keep thinking this over and over in my head: "Perhaps people like us cannot love. Ordinary people can. That is their secret."
Am I really that unordinary?

Pulled Muscles and Finals

Something is wrong with me. I've been sick as a dog. And sleepy. And NO IT'S NOT FUCKING SWINE FLU FUCK YOU FOR EVEN TRYING TO BRING IT UP YOU JERK. I've been coughing and coughing and tired. I think that's why I feel so vile is just because I can never sleep because I'm always coughing all night long. I don't remember the last time I got good sleep. I slept all day today and missed school. I'm screwing up the end of the semester when I've been doing so well all along. And I NEED to disappear and do work but that is the LAST thing I want to do. I just want to be with my friends. Ugh.

Seriously though, I coughed so hard last night I pulled a muscle in my stomach. Like COME ON, lungs, chill out with the coughing already.

How do you know if you have pneumonia?

Where to end/Where to begin

I have this problem.

I feel too old and too young at the same time.

I'm the most mature immature person I've ever met. I love hula hooping and jump ropes and roller skates, dancing in the street, singing at the top of my lungs, running around screaming.

But I feel like I can't relate to people. Not in a condescending way, but like there's something I just don't get most of the time.

I feel like I don't entirely fit in anywhere, but that I fit in everywhere. Does that make sense?

My brain hurts today. Too much thought, not enough action.

I need 3 things today:
- An apple
- Reassurance
- Friendship

Granted, I'm not sad or upset. I'm not feeling bad for myself. I'm just curious and a little confused. Although, I did recently stop taking my anxiety medication against my better judgement. But 50$ a month is just too much for me. Sorry pharmaceutical industry, but I'm just a poor little college girl. Relying on medication isn't really my banner jam anyways. But I would really like to level out instead of feeling anxious and knowing it's completely ridiculous. That's the funny thing about my anxiety, is I completely understand and recognize it, but no matter how I talk myself out of it, it doesn't ever really work. And then it will just disappear all of a sudden. It's really frustrating.

I wish I could shut myself off. I like it better when I can just roll with everything. So does everyone else I'm pretty sure.

Worn Out Record.

I'm tired. Stressed. Over booked. Under prepared. It's all my own fault. I didn't want to do anything when it got sunny. I still don't. I need exercise. I need a clean house. I need to do homework. I need to fill out applications. I need someone to kick me in the ass so I stop falling by the wayside. Scratch that, I need to kick my own ass.

I ran myself down this weekend. I always do this to myself. And I accomplished very little. Very little real things I mean. I rode my bike and worked I guess. Finished a project. Made some lists. Hot tubbed. That's about all I got. Not really a whole lot.

I think part of my problem is I've been trying to introvert myself, which is having some adverse reactions. I was really salty on saturday and sunday. I'm not taking care of myself.

Friday was a lot of fun. Friday, I was on 100%. Friday I did good things, had a lot of fun, was with my good friends, met new friends, managed to be the most comfortable in a social situation I've been in a long time. I need more days like that. I need less alcohol probably when I do those things though.

Today is Natalie's birthday. I hope I feel good enough to be able to go get drinks (at least a coke!) and be in good spirits. RIght now I'm just exhausted.

I need to keep reminding myself that it's impossible to run from anything. It is all inevitable. Honesty is the best policy. I need to be honest with myself.