Give it up.

I've made a lot of decisions in the last week. Now it's time to make it happen.

I'm too accustomed to being free now. I don't think I can be anyones anything. I'm too well adjusted to doing everything I want to do all the time by myself.

I have summer goals, but I don't feel I need to share them. They are mine and I will keep them for me. As soon as you share them, they become harder to attain. So in my brain they stay.

I'm getting my hair messed with tomorrow. I can't decide what to do. I want a drastic change but I don't want to regret it. We'll see what happens.

we are light.
we are made of light.
and we are shining.
we are penetrating ever crevice.
we are reflecting around corners and floating under cracks in doors.
we are everywhere all the time.
and we are nowhere never.
light light light.
we are everything.

Staggering.

First and foremost, I'm pretty well convinced that everything happens for a reason.

That being said, I would like to describe my current life situation.

1. I haven't paid my rent this month yet and definitely can't afford to.
2. I've been acting like it's the apocalypse lately. I haven't had this much alcohol since I was going through that phase a few years ago.
3. All I want to do is go home, but I can't afford to.
4. I'm getting laid off at Robotlove at the end of the month because they can't afford to keep me on.
5. By some (quite unfortunate) serendipity, one of the receptionists got the boot at the tattoo shop, which means I can pick up enough hours to get me to a 35 or 40 hour work week over the summer. SCORE. Money!
6. I don't know if I can afford school next year, and all I want to do is study abroad. Japan plz.
7.I feel let down lately. I'm probably neglecting the people that legitimately care about me, aside for that Mike that I spend all my time with.

That's pretty much all I got. I miss Alison, Derek and Sara. I miss Niki. I miss Joe. I miss Cody and Z. I feel like I'm just lost.

Hot Commodity

Knowing yourself is far more important than one can ever really realize.

Back to summer. I can't wait to have a legitimate day off.

Missing Pieces and Fuck You's.

I'm doing everything I can to not work on my homework right now. Bad, bad, bad. My work ethic has fallen by the way side.

I've got a whole lot of emotions under my surface bubbling away. A whole lot of thoughts that I've been thinking. I realized that if I just don't think those thoughts, nothing matters. What happens externally is all other people see. So why even burden yourself? My internal dialogue has become a tumult of existentialism.

I had a long conversation with my brother about whether or not love exists the other day. I called him naive. He got kind of upset and called me a nihilist. What am I becoming? I don't believe in anything except floating anymore. And I'm not sad or self-destructive. I'm just tired of being disappointed.

I want to stay up all night tonight. I want to make a mural. I want to write words and share sentiments and have long conversations. I need to empty my head.

I just keep thinking this over and over in my head: "Perhaps people like us cannot love. Ordinary people can. That is their secret."
Am I really that unordinary?