Monday, September 29, 2008


So Cody's family took us to a twins game yesterday. They killed it big time. 6-0.
I'm not really a big sports fan, but holy crap, I had a blast yesterday. Just spending time with Cody outside of laying in bed at the end of the day was really really nice. I feel like we haven't hung out like that since we moved.

This week will prove to be hectic, as per usual. I have a lot of work to do. I can't slack off like I did all weekend. I just can't!

Just...I don't want things to be so hectic like they were before. I need to stay grounded and get my work done. That is priority number one.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Ask and you shall receive

I wanted a great night, and I got one.

Started out meeting up with Chris and Lottie, getting sandwiches and hanging out watching BIODOME while listening to New Found Glory (aka reliving my high school days). Not bad. After that we scurried over to Zack and Lance's loft (after Lottie let me borrow some shoes and a shirt) to hang out and see Anastasia's MISS HIGH TIMES NOVEMBER FEATURE (soooooooo good). Cat and Danny were bugging me all night to meet them out in Northeast for some drinks, so when Lottie went home and Chris decided to go to the 19 bar, I hopped in the car and headed over to some hilarious dive bar called Jimmy's where I met up with Cat, Jake, Danny and Cat's 50 year old gay friend Billy.

So after sitting around talking about video games, taking Bazooka Joe shots (delicious, by the way), and watching Billy's 40 plus friends falling all over themselves, we headed over to Jake and Danny's and played Rock Band until about 6AM.

The whole night was I laughed all night long, had good talks, was ridiculous with my friends and drank a little too much, but even though I only got 3 hours of sleep and I had to work at 10:45, I feel awesome. It was just really good to go out and come back and be silly and not have to compete with people and not have to try to be "cool". I just got to be me. I got to be loud and outrageous and fall down laughing and sing my guts out and make people laugh and talk about Pokemon. Everyone agreed we need to go out together more often.

It was just A GOOD FUCKING NIGHT. And I needed it

That's all.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Fits and Starts



So as I've said before. I feel like my life is always flowing in fits and starts. It never really just goes. It goes for a long time and then sputters then stops then starts the stops the starts again. I don't know. I never feel constant. Not since my grandma died a few years ago. All of the constants in my life disappeared soon after that.

I'd really like to stop complaining about this. I'd really like it to go away. As much as I love spontaneity, I would love a little structure to go with it. It's so impossible to find the balance between chaos and calm, but that's where I like to be. Right in the middle of it.

I sometimes feel like certain people are getting tired of me. I feel that way right now. It's making me a little scared. But why should I worry? I ALWAYS WORRY.

On a positive note, the new TV on the Radio is really good. I never really liked them that much, but this album is fucking rad. I'd love to see them live. I'd love to see any good show really. I can't remember the last one I saw.

Can tonight just be really good plz? K thx.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Growing up

Growing up was always much harder for me then I think it was for a lot of people. The problem with me is that if there are too many options in front of me that sound appealing, I want to do everything. And since I can't do everything, I get depressed and end up choosing whichever seems easiest. This is a horrible trait of mine. When it became easier to make stupid decisions, to hurt people, to betray my own morals, than to simply walk away and be my own person, I of course chose what was easier. But I don't think anyone really understands. I'm just so afraid of everything. I'm afraid of being mundane. I'm afraid of making dramatic decisions. So instead, I do what's easiest. Instead, I make myself much more boring and stupid than I am, because it's easier. I struggle so much every day to figure out who I am, what I want to do, who I want to be, where I want to be. And I'm afraid that I'm too afraid and I'll just end up in Minnesota for the rest of my life because I could never walk away from anything. I could never be brave enough to venture out on my own and learn new things by myself, so here I sit and stay, like a good dog. I do what's expected of me, never what I want to do.

So here I am at a crossroads and faced with a choice: Do I take a change and move to Toronto and start over? Do I finish at MCAD but attempt to move for the summer and intern somewhere bigger than myself? Do I work hard to actually achieve something or do I sit and wait and hope that something will choose me instead of me having to choose it?

No one ever accomplished their dreams by waiting for them to float by. If I want something I have to go out and grab it and hold on for dear life. I know that. So why can't I just do it? I am completely at a loss.

I miss Niki. Before I ruined everything. Before I gave up on myself and took everyone down with me. I miss my friends that loved me because I was me and not because of who I knew or where I went or what I did. They knew I had changed for the worse, but I couldn't see it. I feel like I have like 5 or 6 people in my life that love me because I'm me and for no other reason. But hindsight is 20/20.

And now I need to stop being afraid before I push everyone away. I need to embrace where I'm going and stop trying to be something I'm not and just be and enjoy what I enjoy and do what I do because it's what I want not because I'm trying to please someone or something. I need to follow my bliss. I need to be persistent. I need to be honest and be straight and true to myself and not let anyone push my around. Even if that makes people dislike me, at least I'll like me. Because right now Im not sure how much I really do.

Fashion weekend

It's fashion weekend here in Minneapolis. What does that mean? Not a whole lot. In fact, it's usually just more of the same: The same small collective of artists/designers/art enthusiasts rubbing shoulders that rub said shoulders at damn near every event in the minneapolis area. Woo hoo.

I'm a little excited about Sugar tonight, but I don't even know if I'll go for sure. And the only reason I'm excited is because Chris and Lottie are modeling.

Tonight's Josh's birthday and Honeymoon too.

I find it so hard to care about events anymore. I think I'm bitter. Maybe bored? Nothing really strikes me anymore. Night life is all the same: Get a drink, talk to X important person, dance, get another drink, talk to X important person, dance, repeat. I dunno. Maybe I just don't know how to have fun anymore? I feel like I don't even know what I like anymore.

Oh well. Fuck it.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

So long, Toronto...

Well it would appear as though transferring is not an option. If I even get in to Reyerson, I would have to start over completely. I would possibly have enough transfer credits to knock off a year of school, but I would basically enter as a freshman.


Now I'm just going to be depressed for the rest of the week.
Damn you Canada, why do you have to be so cruel!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

My Saturdays always suck.

It's pouring rain. I'm trying to decide whether or not I should go home tonight. I want to. But I also have a lot of work to do. But it also might be good to run away for a day or two and get my head on straight, right?

Every day that goes by that I do no school work I feel like I'm slacking. It's seriously taking over my life, but I love it. I LOVE school. Seriously. Is that weird? I think it's especially weird because I'm studying business, event planning, marketing and project management from the creative side and every time I go to class I'm completely absorbed and totally interested in everything they say. Oh my god...I'm becoming an adult...

Jake was telling me about some school in Toronto that apparently has a fashion business program. Like..HELLO PERFECT SCHOOL. Do I really wanna move that far away? Um. YES. Well...sort of.

I think I might try to get enrolled for next semester. I dunno though. Is that really a good idea? Do I really want to leave Minneapolis now, especially when I'm just starting to really love school? I think it might be a good opportunity to do something different though. I guess I have some research to do.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Supa Kawaii Desu Ne?

Yeah I'm a huge japan fan. Like super nerd. I just ordered some cell phone charms from Japan from this super cute site called Strapya. It made me really miss being in Japan, especially since you can get area specific charms. Oh Asakusa, how I wish I could walk your ridiculous streets again.

I also cut my hair today. Like...big step for me. But I'm really diggin' it. I went to Moxie in St Paul and the girl that cut my hair was really cute and awesome. I was like a foot and a half taller than her with my shoes on so I just felt really silly when I got out of her chair. So it's been an eventful day I suppose.

I just can't wait to get my cell phone charms and cry when I think about never being back in Tokyo. Someday, I need to.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

More like project DUMBway....

Oh boy. I finally FINALLY got to watch some of this season of Project Runway last night. Why do almost all of the designers this season SUCK big time? I mean...jeez. Between the dude that refers to himself as "Suede" in the third person and that bitch that can't take criticism and always argues with everyone, I'm just downright disappointed. I guess I really haven't seen that much of the show, but seriously. Disappointed.

I'm still sick. I can barely breathe today, which makes walking up four flights of stairs in heels exceedingly difficult. OH HAI FATTY.

I'm so glad this week is almost over. I need to clean my house.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I haz cold?

My throat and ears and nose and head are throbbing and I feel disgusting.
All I want is to lay in bed all day with the fish and eat soup.
But instead I get 9 hours of school.
I feel like my brain doesn't work right now. I'm trying to write objectives for our group project and I keep reiterating the same point.
Ima get fired.
Prolly not but still I hates it.

Also my morning is again off to a phenomenal start. Not only do I have this awesome cold, I can't use my effing shower. WHAT. THE. FUCK. I hate today. I hate it.

And now I go to class and put my head down.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Time to Grow up.


It's a new school year with a new major and a new position and a new apartment and a new kitten and a new life.

So why not a new blog?

I woke up this morning to my landlord pounding on my door. Apparently, my maintenance man was supposed to call me yesterday to let me know that they were installing a new tub surround in my bathroom today? Guess what. He never called. Mind you, this pounding came at 7:30am. But I was pleased to ignore them and ultimately deny them access until I had gotten up and gotten ready for school and left the apartment. Flexing my renters rights biiiiiiiitch. I just hope they're nice to my kitten.

So now I'm at school, trying to decide what product that I want to write a 4 p's and 7 c's summary on that due in...7 hours. Fuck. I hate not having the internet at home. Tomorrow though. Hot damn. Also I'm clearly spending my time in the correct productive way...making a new blog to distract me from doing work. Alright.

I need a haircut. And to drink this Diet Coke with Lime that Benjamin made me crave for. Jerk.