Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Obligatory New Years Post

So here it is. The end of 2008. It's a huge relief in a lot of respects, but a huge stress in a few others. I'm glad this year is over. It's been one of the worst/best/most hectic/most revealing years of my life. Thinking about myself at this time last year just makes me depressed. But it was a pivotal moment for me. A lot has changed this year. I feel more like myself, more independent, more guided, more sure of myself. I still feel insecure. Still feel a little bit needy. But I am not nearly as fucked up as I was at the end of 2007, so I suppose that's alright.

I feel a lot happier and more sure of myself than I have in years. So I guess that's something. That's quite a lot of something actually.

So resolutions? I guess I have to have one. It's usually the same every year. Get thin, stay thin, be healthy, be happy, whatever. I think I have a few goals that are a bit more attainable.

1. Join a gym and work out twice a week AT LEAST. Or just work out at school until I have money.

2. Budget my money so I have something to save.

3. Get a good internship over the summer.

I feel those are all attainable and reasonable so I won't be stuck with some vague thing like "LIKE MYSELF MORE" or whatever the fuck.


I have no idea what I'm doing tonight yet. All I really want to do is curl up with Cody and watch a movie and drink sparkling juice and be able to kiss him at midnight. It's been like 4 years since I've been able to be with the person I'm seeing and be able to kiss them at midnight. And yeah I know it's wicked cheesy, but I would really like to be able to do that. I'm tired of shitty New Years Eves. I'm tired of winding up sad or crying or angry at the end of the night because I get screwed over or ditched or my friends are sitting in a dark room doing blow with a bunch of strangers and I have to wait for them to be done. Cool. I would much rather just hide out and have a quite New Years at home with someone I care about.

See you later 2008. I hope 2009 is more legit.

Monday, December 15, 2008

A Real Entry

I know I've been sort of a broken record lately, but I have been so busy it's hard to sit down at the computer and organize my thoughts. So now I am sitting at work at Robot Love and it is very slow, so I have been thinking a lot about the things I wish to do and accomplish and what everyone can buy me for Christmas! Hurray!

Things you can legitimately purchase for me for Christmas that aren't a Kitchenaid Mixer:

- Susan Sontag's new published journals, Reborn: Journals and Notebooks, 1947–1963. She was always an intriguing character for me and I really enjoy her work. I need new books anyways, so hey! Here's a good one!

- Vintage wallpaper. I want to wallpaper my new apartment since my landlord doesn't care what we do to the walls. I guess he feels it adds property value to the apartment. Fuck yeah! I want to do something really silly from the 40s or 50s. Maybe a few different ones.

- Vintage/really awesome fabric. I want to reupholster my love seat because, frankly, after many years of dogs and cats and humans hanging out on it, it looks like garbage. But I like the shape of it, and think it just needs a really cool face lift.

- Cook books. Preferably baking, vegetarian or Japanese cook books. Those are my favorites. Cupcake cook books are always appreciated.

- Shelves! And a new dining room table! And a cute new desk! Vintage please. Especially if I can paint or stain it myself. I love that ish. I need shelves for all of my awesome toys.

- Art prints or posters. I love art. I want more in my house.

- Screens. Like big changing screens. That I can put around my bed. With cheesy Japanese art on them. Like cranes and stuff. I'm not sure what the technical term for those is...but I want some.

- Gift cards to Micheal's, Ikea, Target, American Apparel, Urban Outfitters, Robot Love, or Cliche. I don't really like gift cards, but I am poor and I like all of these stores and I need things from Micheal's and Ikea especially. So help a girl out, man!

So there are some sensible suggestions I suppose. I'm ready to make the new apartment as mine as possible and not ever have to ask for permission from any room mate to do anything. I know I've been saying that over and over but cripes, I can't wait to be able to tear apart my apartment when I'm working on a project, leave my dishes for a day, rearrange whenever I want and not have to answer to anyone but myself and The Fish. But she'll be psyched on whatever I want prollyably. Alright!

I think I'm going to start rearranging everything tonight and probably FINALLY be able to sleep at the new place. Yay! Yay new place! Yay own apartment! Yay everything! Except the cold. No yay for the cold.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Fondant and Blizzards

It's snowing so much right now. Like, white out blizzard. It was 40 degrees yesterday. I don't get it.

I really want to start baking again but I STILL haven't had time. I'm so frustrated. I just want to cook and bake and now that I've discovered fondant I don't even know what to do.

Catherine gave me a book full of vegetarian recipes today. I can't wait to make like all of them. They looked amazing. I just need to cook. I NEED TO.

I'm almost all moved in to my apartment now. Niki won't be out until tomorrow and I still have some things at the old place, but I'm mostly out. I'm so relieved. I just want it to be over.

I'm really bored with the internet. I need a new book. Halp.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Broken Record

I have one test left and some free cookies to consume and I am FINISHED with the first semester of my Junior year. Shocking.
This is the hardest I have ever worked at school. The most work I've ever done. The busiest I have ever been. And I'm happy. Yes, It's stressful, but I love my jobs, I love my school, I love my program, I love my co workers and class mates. I am just happy. Things are really starting to fit. I am happy to be me.

I know Cody is scared to graduate, but I can't say that I'm not looking forward to him being done with school. I'm looking forward to being able to spend some real time together. Looking forward to being able to sleep in the same bed and not have to get up for anything or anyone in the morning. To just rest together. I'm excited to see where the future takes him. He's so smart and committed to his education that I'm sure wherever he ends up will be the best choice for him. I'm really proud of him. He hasn't let anyone get in his way, and that is so commendable. Okay I'm done now.

I'm going out with everyone from the shop tonight to celebrate Cerny's birthday. It should be a good time. And tomorrow I get to go out with all the BS:VIS kids and celebrate a semester well done. I like to celebrate.

The Fish needs to go back to the vet for a check up tomorrow morning. I hope she is okay. :(

Saturday, December 6, 2008

I want to know your plans

I don't mean to get so frustrated. There are things about myself that don't align with what other people want sometimes. It's just how I am. I am outgoing and stubborn and affectionate. Blame it on me being the youngest child. Or being a Leo. Or whatever the fuck you want to blame it on. I can't help who I am or how I feel. I am very feeling. I am emotional and intuitive. I can be logical, but I tend to let my emotions get the best of me. I feel that this prevents me from ever making any sort of real connection with anyone. I don't know why, but that's just how I feel. I don't feel smart. I don't feel like I'm an intelligent person. I don't know who I am. But that is part of growing up. And I'm trying. Trying to let go, trying to be better, trying to control my emotions more. I just can't help it. I'm always slammed with work and school and plans because I secretly love to have lots of stuff to do. And I feel obligated to my friends a lot of the time. I forget to give myself time for me sometimes. This has to change. When I have my own apartment, I hope you will come hang out with me there. I will have kitten and that's better than having no company. I want to be home more. Want to be out more. Want to make friends. Want to keep friends. Don't want to hang out with anyone. Only want to hang out with one person. Hate being bother. Love being bothered. Hate going out. Can't stand being home. Love going to parties. Can't stand being around lots of people. I am full of contradictions and anomalies and half truths and misinformation. I am intelligent and independent and brave. I am stupid and needy and terrified. I don't need anyone to make me happy. I can't be happy alone. I don't make any sense. I never make any sense. I am flakey. I am a great friend. I am sad all the time. I am mostly a happy person. A cynic and an optimist. I am struggling. I don't know what I am yet. I am a monster. A hydra. I am lost.

I want to do everything. I want to be someone.
I want to do nothing. I want to collapse.
I am searching. I am finding.
I am slowly discovering who I am and who I want to be.
Please be patient with me.

Friday, December 5, 2008

I don't have any money.

I'm moving next weekend. I'm running out of money. Loans don't come until end of January which means I have to pick up shifts like every day. Crapz. I don't even think that will be possible. Ugh.


I just want to pack and move and hang out. This weekend will be hectic. Next week will kill me until Tuesday night then I am pretty much home free. I have to take a test on Thursday that, at this point, I don't care if I pass or fail. And then off to MRM to watch presentations (since we already gave our final) and eat cookies and drink free soda. THEN I AM DONE. It is so close I can taste it. CAN'T WAIT.

I don't think I like having days off unless Im doing tons of stuff. I don't like sitting around very much. This will be effective when I start working out again hopefully. I gotta change my life a little bit I think.

I'm just psyched to be almost done.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Things you can buy me for christmas

Cupcake Necklace

R2D2 Backpack

Sprinkle Ring

Lego iPod speaker

Wet Cats book

Let's Cook Japanese Food Book

AND a Kitchen Aid Mixer.

More to come.....