I want to know your plans

I don't mean to get so frustrated. There are things about myself that don't align with what other people want sometimes. It's just how I am. I am outgoing and stubborn and affectionate. Blame it on me being the youngest child. Or being a Leo. Or whatever the fuck you want to blame it on. I can't help who I am or how I feel. I am very feeling. I am emotional and intuitive. I can be logical, but I tend to let my emotions get the best of me. I feel that this prevents me from ever making any sort of real connection with anyone. I don't know why, but that's just how I feel. I don't feel smart. I don't feel like I'm an intelligent person. I don't know who I am. But that is part of growing up. And I'm trying. Trying to let go, trying to be better, trying to control my emotions more. I just can't help it. I'm always slammed with work and school and plans because I secretly love to have lots of stuff to do. And I feel obligated to my friends a lot of the time. I forget to give myself time for me sometimes. This has to change. When I have my own apartment, I hope you will come hang out with me there. I will have kitten and that's better than having no company. I want to be home more. Want to be out more. Want to make friends. Want to keep friends. Don't want to hang out with anyone. Only want to hang out with one person. Hate being bother. Love being bothered. Hate going out. Can't stand being home. Love going to parties. Can't stand being around lots of people. I am full of contradictions and anomalies and half truths and misinformation. I am intelligent and independent and brave. I am stupid and needy and terrified. I don't need anyone to make me happy. I can't be happy alone. I don't make any sense. I never make any sense. I am flakey. I am a great friend. I am sad all the time. I am mostly a happy person. A cynic and an optimist. I am struggling. I don't know what I am yet. I am a monster. A hydra. I am lost.

I want to do everything. I want to be someone.
I want to do nothing. I want to collapse.
I am searching. I am finding.
I am slowly discovering who I am and who I want to be.
Please be patient with me.