Pulled Muscles and Finals

Something is wrong with me. I've been sick as a dog. And sleepy. And NO IT'S NOT FUCKING SWINE FLU FUCK YOU FOR EVEN TRYING TO BRING IT UP YOU JERK. I've been coughing and coughing and tired. I think that's why I feel so vile is just because I can never sleep because I'm always coughing all night long. I don't remember the last time I got good sleep. I slept all day today and missed school. I'm screwing up the end of the semester when I've been doing so well all along. And I NEED to disappear and do work but that is the LAST thing I want to do. I just want to be with my friends. Ugh.

Seriously though, I coughed so hard last night I pulled a muscle in my stomach. Like COME ON, lungs, chill out with the coughing already.

How do you know if you have pneumonia?

Where to end/Where to begin

I have this problem.

I feel too old and too young at the same time.

I'm the most mature immature person I've ever met. I love hula hooping and jump ropes and roller skates, dancing in the street, singing at the top of my lungs, running around screaming.

But I feel like I can't relate to people. Not in a condescending way, but like there's something I just don't get most of the time.

I feel like I don't entirely fit in anywhere, but that I fit in everywhere. Does that make sense?

My brain hurts today. Too much thought, not enough action.

I need 3 things today:
- An apple
- Reassurance
- Friendship

Granted, I'm not sad or upset. I'm not feeling bad for myself. I'm just curious and a little confused. Although, I did recently stop taking my anxiety medication against my better judgement. But 50$ a month is just too much for me. Sorry pharmaceutical industry, but I'm just a poor little college girl. Relying on medication isn't really my banner jam anyways. But I would really like to level out instead of feeling anxious and knowing it's completely ridiculous. That's the funny thing about my anxiety, is I completely understand and recognize it, but no matter how I talk myself out of it, it doesn't ever really work. And then it will just disappear all of a sudden. It's really frustrating.

I wish I could shut myself off. I like it better when I can just roll with everything. So does everyone else I'm pretty sure.

Worn Out Record.

I'm tired. Stressed. Over booked. Under prepared. It's all my own fault. I didn't want to do anything when it got sunny. I still don't. I need exercise. I need a clean house. I need to do homework. I need to fill out applications. I need someone to kick me in the ass so I stop falling by the wayside. Scratch that, I need to kick my own ass.

I ran myself down this weekend. I always do this to myself. And I accomplished very little. Very little real things I mean. I rode my bike and worked I guess. Finished a project. Made some lists. Hot tubbed. That's about all I got. Not really a whole lot.

I think part of my problem is I've been trying to introvert myself, which is having some adverse reactions. I was really salty on saturday and sunday. I'm not taking care of myself.

Friday was a lot of fun. Friday, I was on 100%. Friday I did good things, had a lot of fun, was with my good friends, met new friends, managed to be the most comfortable in a social situation I've been in a long time. I need more days like that. I need less alcohol probably when I do those things though.

Today is Natalie's birthday. I hope I feel good enough to be able to go get drinks (at least a coke!) and be in good spirits. RIght now I'm just exhausted.

I need to keep reminding myself that it's impossible to run from anything. It is all inevitable. Honesty is the best policy. I need to be honest with myself.

Oh Hay.

My days have been really interesting lately. My ability to keep a level head has greatly improved. Jerry Allan says it takes 30 days to change a habit. Thanks Jerry. I think on that quite often. One month to transformation. One month to being more me.

Someone asked me what I was afraid of yesterday. Without hesitation I replied "nothing." The funny thing was, I think that it was completely sincere. There is a difference between aprehension and fear. Maybe it was more at that moment perhaps. Either way, it felt really good to say and mean.

I'm struggling to find the right words for anything today. A quiet calm is setting in. I feel really good about it.

Niki came to visit yesterday! Which was really nice to see her. Unfortunately I didn't get to spend a whole lot of time with her, but I met her boyfriend and he seemed really nice. It's clear that she has really changed, and so have I. Only for the better though.

Mike Eames is a really good friend.

Head in the Clouds

I've had a lot of time to think lately. I've come to a lot of conclusions about myself, and I'm pretty happy about it. I know I say that a lot, but that's alright. Life is constant self-discovery and reinvention, right?

I realized that I felt very held down. Still do. But I've got plans, routes of escape, places to hide. I feel more free. I feel more at ease.

I realized I blamed a lot of other people for the way that I felt. Especially one person in particular. It was no ones fault but my own though. I needed to step back to see through it.

Now I just feel relaxed. Independent. Niki used to always say I would never be happy until I realized I liked myself much better alone. She's always right. I miss her a lot. She was the only one brave enough to be honest with me. I think I sometimes held that against her.

I still feel a little bit behind with my daily life. I have homework piling up. Forms I need to fill out. Applications I need to get in. It's too hard though with the way the weather has been lately. All I can think of is bbq's, roller skating and laying outside with a stack of good books. Fuck it I guess. If worse comes to worse I can just disappear and live on a farm. Ha.

If I don't say much next time you see me, don't feel bad. I've taken to observing more than speaking lately. If you'd like to talk, though, I would be more than happy to listen.

I can't seem to land.

I feel like I have a mile long list of things which need accomplishing and not enough time to do them. I sort of feel like I fucked myself over by going out of town for spring break, but I definitely needed the change of scenery.

I don't think I can go home this weekend for Easter as much as I want to. I need the time to actually be accomplishing things. I can't be fucking around anymore. School is almost over this year and it's just not possible. I need to end on a good note. I've already dropped the ball on a few things. No more. I need to be a good student. I need to accomplish my work.

Today has been incredibly strange. A very fine mix of good and bad. The good has seemed to outweigh the bad though.

Tmobile is FINALLY giving me a new phone after 6 months of me complaining and my phone not working properly. Pretty psyched on that. I should be getting it in the next few days so hot dang.

I feel like I have a bunch of catching up to do with my friends. I have barely seen anyone since I've been home. AND I HAVE SO MUCH LAUNDRY. Crap.

I just need to write it all down and accomplish things one at a time.

So long, New England.

I'm leaving for the airport in a little bit. This is my last morning in the Harring's house. I'm sort of sad to be leaving. I love living here. I love the girls and the places to explore. I love the people I've met. I love the kitchen! And I love waking up with my BFF every morning.

The lifestyle out here has gotten me on a solid sleep schedule. I've been eating really well. Everything is so old and beautiful. I want to see summer in New Hampshire. I want to walk the streets of Boston every night. I want Concord walks and Kimball's Ice Cream.

On friday when we had Heidi's birthday dinner(which Cat and I prepared, Scallops and Leeks in Orange Star Anise sauce and a Strawberry Marscapone Torte), Heidi's dad asked me (half jokingly) what I would charge to come be his live-in chef. CHEF. It started my brain swirling at the possibility of living here over the summer, cooking and learning to cook every day, experimenting, being able to explore a new world every day. I couldn't ask for a better offer. I wish it could actually happen.

I'm sad to be leaving this place. I am looking forward to being home though. I miss my kitten and my friends. Being out here has really made me take another look at my life. I realize now I can go wherever the wind takes me and find comfort. I could move to a different city and find my way, my place. Adrian made a comment about how easy it is for me to talk to people. And it's true. I find very little difficulty in venturing out of my comfort zone and embarrassing myself. So at least I have that advantage if I ever venture out.

I hope I can hold on to the motivation this place has provided me and be able to push myself to be better. I know a lot of my friends would venture out with me. So who wants to?