Word Vomit.

I've been having fucking mouth diarrhea lately. I cannot control what I say and I'm annoyed by the sound of my own voice. I'm going into hiding today so I don't say more stupid things to people that shouldn't hear them.

Last night was fun but I'm crawling out of my skin today. I need to be more tactful. I know it's not even a big deal but srsly. I can't behave myself lately. But cupcakes and vodka was definitely a fantastic idea. I'm the only person I know that gets a party going by saying "HEY LET'S GET DRUNK AND MAKE CUP CAKES!!" So good.

Derek is letting me use his old iphone. He deserves a kitchen aid for his kindness. O WAI...

Also I can now say that I have been to Cadillac Pawn. LOLLERZ.

Doing things you've never done.

Today I went and had acupuncture. She put 17 needles in my body and let me lay like that for a half hour. It was one of the coolest things I've ever done. I really want to do it again.

I didn't go to class today. I just felt so good and relaxed after the acupuncture I just didn't even feel like doing anything.

I bought things to make 2 types of cupcakes. I'd really like for my oven to stop being horrible. I have plans dammit!

Poohki and I had sake last night and had so many good talks. I had a really good time. I just have nothing but good things to say lately.

Today has been lovely. I'm at Derek and Sara's hanging tou now, watching the food network, and Sara is making dinner. She's never made dinner for herself, let alone other people. I'm excited. I can't listen right now.

Perspective.

This is my week. You can stop asking me why I'm always busy now.

Donna Hay is my new favorite magazine.

Necessity.

I need love and conversation.
I need baking and creativity.
I need friends and adventures.
I need learning and reading.
I need guidance and freedom.

That is all.

Bananas

I've been eating banana everything lately. All I want is bananas all day. Yesterday I was craving banana bread and today all I can think about is Derek's banana muffins.

Last night was a mess of fun. Miranda invited me to the Bedlam theater with her, Lauren, Benjamin and Sheena. She sang a beautiful song she wrote, we drank and laughed. It was actually really awesome. Sort of a cabaret type performance shindig going on. There was one woman that wouldn't stop fucking yelling though and I wanted to sock her in the mouth. Obnoxious.

After that we went to Grumpy's and sang karaoke really horribly/excellently. I had a marvelous time. It was a wonderful night.

Somehow I got a split in my knuckle that I didn't notice until I was brushing my teeth to go to bed last night. It hurts really badly. I hate having cuts there it's absolutely the worst place.

Kitten kept biting my feet last night. There is construction going on across the hall every weekday morning starting at like 7:30am. I did not sleep very well. I keep having really strange dreams about art museums and parties and people I used to know. I don't know what it all means, but I think it means I am missing something.

My mom is coming to stay with my tomorrow. She's bringing me a kitchen table and taking me shopping for chairs. I can't say I'm not incredibly excited because I am THE MOST excited. I'm going to make dinner for my mom, brother and Cody hopefully. I'm doing an internet search for menu items today. And I'm going to make cupcakes too for dessert. Noms!

This week has been fast and dreamy. I'm continuing my search. And writing letters. I'm going to ask my mom about culinary school. Tomorrow. I need a new book to read.

Also I am lusting after these.

Cuppacake.

Alright whatever. I'm done complaining.

All I've been doing this week is reading cooking blogs. I would really love to have a Kitchen Aid mixer. I'd also love to go to culinary school. These are things that I think I should pursue. At least the latter.

I should be working on my objectives for my internship, but since I don't have MS Word (fuuuuuuck. Thanks for crashing, computer!), I'm blogging instead.

I have class in 20 minutes. First class I'm attending this semester. Seems crazy considering I was at school all day Monday, Tuesday, and all day today. 5 meetings from 8:30 to 3:30. What a crazy day. It wasn't that bad. It's just weird to be like....in a career but at school but with two jobs but not really sure what I want to do with my life. Social life? What's that? I hang out with my cat...? Does that count?


I'm going to start writing letters this week.

I got some really good news this morning.

Tickets to NY are only 200$ right now....

Let's just get it all into place.

Austin for Culinary school? Hmmmmmmmmm.

Don't Blog.

Seriously. My blog is stupid. All I do is talk about how sad I am. How I can't make any decisions. Or how great my day was/life is. But what the fuck. Everything I write is so bi-polar it doesn't even goddamn make sense. So why do I even type in this space? I haven't even been decent at writing for years. I lost my savvy when I started college it seems like. I stopped reading as much, started doing other things, lost time, lost interest. What the fuck am I even interested in anymore? Reading blog entries of mine from when I was 19 up until now is like reading the journal of 10 different people.

I don't know what I want. I never do. I think I do, but I don't. I can never make up my mind. I want it all. I want none of it. I am probably insane. I feel too much. I think too much. I worry too much. I wish I could shut it off. I could logic it all away. Bury myself in tasks and work. Forget that I even have emotions.


Just forget it. Forget all of it. I don't want to care anymore. Being selfish is easier. Being self-reliant is easier. I'm a teenage girl. I fucking cry and whine and complain and that's all I'm good at. And THAT is depressing.

Decisions.

I suppose I'm going to be heading for New York and Boston over spring break. Nu Metal Joe decided that he wanted to take on the adventure with me, so I figured I may as well. If I save only 40$ a week for the next 11 weeks I'll have enough for a plane ticket, food, and a little extra if I budget. So why the hell not? I've never been anywhere for spring break and I'm graduating next year, so I may as well take some time. I've also never been to the east coast, so fuck it. Plus we have free lodging in both places so what better time than now?

I've started to retreat into myself quite a bit, but I've discovered that this is a good thing. I'm doing the things I want to do, and that's all that matters. I've been much happier as of late. My feelings of dread have subsided. Sure, there's a lot of could haves and should haves, but right now is all I have, and there's plenty of time for all of that in the future. I'm young. I feel old, but I'm quite young. Yes, life is hard, there's always tough decisions, but whatever. That's how you figure it all out. That's how you guide yourself.

And that's just what I need to be doing. Guiding myself.

I wonder if I could go to culinary school after I graduate from MCAD....

Ghost

Well something finally hit me. Or maybe I hit it.

I felt like garbage for two days. Slept most of both of them. Didn't bother calling anyone to hang out. Just hid in my apartment and ate applesauce. Funny thing was, nobody called me. No one asked me what I was doing. Nobody even sent me a text asking how I was feeling. I was completely alone.

I didn't really mind. But it made me really think. Am I really that alone? Who are my real friends? Do I even have any real friends?

I feel so alone and tired most of the days. But I feel okay about it most of the time. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. Maybe this time I really disappeared for good. Does that mean I'm ready to move? Maybe it's time to go. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the sign I needed that my comfort in this town is starting to expire.

I feel like a broken record. I'm just going to sit at work and eat a banana and hope that I can start to motivate myself soon. If I didn't have to work, I don't think I'd ever leave my apartment. Please let this medicine start to wear in soon. I'm too tired for anything.

Food Network

I seriously think if I had cable, I would just watch the Food Network and never ever leave. I wish I could learn everything about cooking.

I started taking Lexapro. I've felt like a zombie for the last two days because of it. It takes about 2 weeks for your body to get used to it I guess, but I really hope it goes much faster than that. I can barely use my brain. It's so annoying.

Paula Deen is the best. She always talks about quantity when she talks about food. "The cookies don't have very many calories so you can eat like 6 of 'em ya'll!" So good. I also love when she reacts to her own food with shock that it tastes good.

Also she just said "I FEEL LIKE I'M IN ASIA YA'LL!" Goddamn.

I got my computer back but it doesn't even feel like mine. I wish I would have just had to buy a new one. Now that I have my old one and everything is gone from it I'm just like angry at my computer for crashing. I suppose it will pass, but I'm just really bummed out right now. Ugh. No music, no programs, no bookmarks even. All my recipes...ugh. Whatever.

Alison, Derek and I are going to make food I guess. I just want a nap.

3rd Grade Best Friends.

I guess I'm going to start taking something for my anxiety. It's really starting to effect not only me but the people around me. I can't have that. I can't be a ball of nerves all day every day. I guess you only have to take Ativan when you feel anxious, not every day, so I'll only have to take it once in awhile. I think that's a small price to pay for being able to function normally. And it will pass. It always does. And then I won't have to take anything for awhile.

Cody is gone on a road trip for 2 weeks. Cat leaves for Boston tomorrow. Megan goes back to Spain on Monday. I would gladly swap with any of them. Well. Maybe not with Cat. I couldn't be a Nanny. Yikes. Winter always makes me feel like I need to get the hell out of wherever I am. I just want to move somewhere that doesn't get down to below zero temperatures. Of course, I can never commit to anything because I'm too damn scared. So we'll see what happens.

I'll figure it all out soon. And I will be stable again. And I won't lean so much on my loved ones. I just have to work hard to not let anything get the best of me.

Also, I need to cook and/or bake something soon.
And my Macbook crashed and I lost everything. So if anyone wants to give me music, I would be way psyched.