Growing up

Growing up was always much harder for me then I think it was for a lot of people. The problem with me is that if there are too many options in front of me that sound appealing, I want to do everything. And since I can't do everything, I get depressed and end up choosing whichever seems easiest. This is a horrible trait of mine. When it became easier to make stupid decisions, to hurt people, to betray my own morals, than to simply walk away and be my own person, I of course chose what was easier. But I don't think anyone really understands. I'm just so afraid of everything. I'm afraid of being mundane. I'm afraid of making dramatic decisions. So instead, I do what's easiest. Instead, I make myself much more boring and stupid than I am, because it's easier. I struggle so much every day to figure out who I am, what I want to do, who I want to be, where I want to be. And I'm afraid that I'm too afraid and I'll just end up in Minnesota for the rest of my life because I could never walk away from anything. I could never be brave enough to venture out on my own and learn new things by myself, so here I sit and stay, like a good dog. I do what's expected of me, never what I want to do.

So here I am at a crossroads and faced with a choice: Do I take a change and move to Toronto and start over? Do I finish at MCAD but attempt to move for the summer and intern somewhere bigger than myself? Do I work hard to actually achieve something or do I sit and wait and hope that something will choose me instead of me having to choose it?

No one ever accomplished their dreams by waiting for them to float by. If I want something I have to go out and grab it and hold on for dear life. I know that. So why can't I just do it? I am completely at a loss.

I miss Niki. Before I ruined everything. Before I gave up on myself and took everyone down with me. I miss my friends that loved me because I was me and not because of who I knew or where I went or what I did. They knew I had changed for the worse, but I couldn't see it. I feel like I have like 5 or 6 people in my life that love me because I'm me and for no other reason. But hindsight is 20/20.

And now I need to stop being afraid before I push everyone away. I need to embrace where I'm going and stop trying to be something I'm not and just be and enjoy what I enjoy and do what I do because it's what I want not because I'm trying to please someone or something. I need to follow my bliss. I need to be persistent. I need to be honest and be straight and true to myself and not let anyone push my around. Even if that makes people dislike me, at least I'll like me. Because right now Im not sure how much I really do.