We change, we wait.

I feel numbed. And I know people say that a lot, but it's true. There is no real anything resonating from inside of me. It's all just reaction. There is no real emotion behind anything I do lately. No real rationale. I am lost again. I'm trying so hard not to start floating away again.

But it just gets easier and easier and easier. What matters? I have no idea.

I know this sounds stupid. I know this sounds absolutely selfish and sad and absurd. But I can't feel logic anymore. I can't feel happy or sad or anything. Because I spent so long feeling scared and introspective and worried, that nothing makes sense if I'm not trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. And I spent so long caring for someone that I thought cared for me. But then... I don't even want to think about it. It's not that he doesn't care. I know he cares. It's just... I hate to sounds like an asshole... but it just wasn't enough. It wasn't what I thought. It wasn't what I felt. It just.... it wasn't.

But all I want to do is go back to his house and sit with him and hold his hand and tell him it will all be okay and that he doesn't need to worry. That I'm there. But I've become a ghost. I feel like I don't even have a reflection anymore. I'm just nothing. But I'm here. I know I am. I see my breath when I walk outside. I feel my heart. I feel my muscles. But that's all I can feel. The simple bag of skin I am. I feel what's tangible. But everything inside of me, the things that make me human, they've all disappeared.

I promise, if you see me, I'll smile. I'll laugh. I'll make jokes. I'll listen. I'll even hold your hand and tell you everything will be okay. I might even be fun to hang out with. But inside, I'm dead. Half-dead. Near-dead.

When do I get someone to come hold my hand and tell me not to worry because everything will be okay?

Obsessive

I had a dream last night that a bookstore had an overstock of a bunch of books that they were just giving away for free. I happened upon a bin outside of their door, and EVERY SINGLE DONNA HAY BOOK EVER was in the bin, as well as some novels I've been wanting to read. I wanted this dream to be real so badly. I am absolutely a pathetic person.

I also had this weird dream that I can't really remember right now, but then I had a dream that I was telling someone about the weird dream that I had. Super bizarre.

My brain hasn't been working lately. I've got the flu I'm fairly certain. I've felt completely off since last Sunday. I hope I'm not sick for much longer. I can't take it.

Expressionless.

I'm sitting in front of Starbucks on Washington in my car lurking Wi-Fi, waiting for Mike to get out of class. I already had coffee today, so I didn't really feel like paying for something else.

I feel incredibly empty today. I'm trying to smile and laugh but it all seems so forced. I don't know what I'm doing. I just feel like I'm drifting and responding to things the way I'm conditioned to. Everything is absolutely so contrived. I am blank.

I walked by the tea place twice, not on purpose. The first time I managed not to look in. The second time Luke was pointing something out and I saw him. I instantly felt a wave of crushing, sickening sadness. Everything feels wrong. I have no idea.

I'm going to Natalie's soon to make sushi. I'm really glad that she is my friend. I just hope I can be a little bit fun to hang out with.

What Am I Supposed to do?

Today has been the worst.

I have no idea.

I can't even move.

Ugh. Fuck everything.

Bad Coffee

Srsly. One of the worst things ever is when you get up in the morning, decide to grab a coffee to get you going, swing down to your favorite local spot, and the coffee is TERRIBLE. Fuck. I'm a half soy/half espresso kind of gal. And that shit just tasted like water. I NEED STRONG COFFEE. Ugh. Now my whole day is thrown off.

On a lighter note, I just finished a quiz, I'm sitting in the library and I ate some yogurt that tasted delicious. I guess things aren't all bad.

This week has been crazy busy and it won't stop until....never. I'm going to be busy all week and next week. Ugh. Spring break get here soon plz. Thx.

Also I got a really awesome package in the mail the other day that totally made my life. I have really cool friends.

Always 10 steps ahead of myself.

Today has already been crazy. Tomorrow will be worse.

I slept in this morning and didn't work out. Bad idea. Tomorrow I have to get up at 6:30am to even have a half hour to get ready to go in the morning. There's NO WAY I am getting up earlier than that. Ugh.

Things I need to purchase in the near future:
-plane ticket to Boston: $300
-wii fit: $100
-moccasins for summertime: $60-$100
Ugh. That's already $500. I hate moneys.

Anyone have a wii fit they want to sell for like $60? I'll totally take it off your hands.

I need to set up a clear cut budget for myself I think. That would be way legit.

I'm 3/4 of the way done with my Ethics homework. Haven't started my rough draft for Publishing. Want to go to Buffalo Wild Wings with Miranda and company tonight. Picking up Cody to run to target after work. Want to go to Derek and Sara's later. NOT ENOUGH TIME IN THE DAY.

I wish there were 3 of me.

I am a girl.

Sometimes it's hard to believe how girly I am. Because I am so not a girly girl.

But hot damn. Yesterday just drove me right up the wall. Valentines. No I don't care about it. But you know, it got me thinking. I would really love to be taken out on a proper date. Just cruise around, go to the zoo or the museum, have a nice lunch or dinner or picnic. Spend the whole day together being cute and stupid because sometimes it's fun to be cute and stupid. And then at the end of the night we could just fall asleep together and everything would feel alright.

Fuck. I seriously would really like for that to happen.

And today, I cried while I was watching something because the two main characters finally found love in each other. WHICH IS SO CORNY AND GROSS. But I did. I teared up. And I sobbed a bit. Ugh. I don't know.

WHY AM I SUCH A GIRL?!?

Checked Out.

I should really have learned my lesson and never taken a Friday class. I can't pay attention for more than like 5 minutes at a time, and even that is incredibly hard to do.

I spent over an hour (but what seemed like only 10 minutes) at Kitchen Window this morning. I finally found a mandolin I liked for a decent price AND I found some lollipop moulds that I actually like. Yay! It's surprisingly hard to find lollipop moulds. I also bought a nice pair of tongs since I don't have any. I lack a lot of kitchen essentials I'm realizing. I think I need to buy some better knives soon. And pans. Oh god I need everything.

I think I'm making lollipops tonight just to do a test run. And bonus: we get to drink the extra gin. Nomz.

I seriously have been craving like a seriously good meal all week. After lunch at Lucia's I'm on a mission for delicious foodz. Maybe I need to cook tonight...

WTF kind of day.

So luckily, my rent check didn't bounce. However, now my bank account is negative about 60$. Oh. And my phone bill didn't get paid. Oh. And I have less than 40$ in my wallet to last until I get paid on friday. Oh. And my mom is in Alabama right now so she can't pay my phone bill. Oh. Awsm.

Then Amanda calls me and is so so sick. She managed to drag herself into work but asks me to come in early. No problemo. But I have to do this photo shoot for Liz. No problemo. But I have to feed London. Oh shi.... I guess I'll do it on my way to work. Oh wait. I have to be there ASAP cuz Amanda already left? Oh shi... okay, we can swing this. Guess I'll feed London after work. Let me just call Cody and....Oh shi... No phone. Oh well. I'll just send him a message when I get to work. Oh great. Now what? Gas light goes on. Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Cool. Guess I'm living on 30$...

Get to work. Find a parking spot no problem. Yes this day is getting better! Then... it's raining? Um? IT'S FEBRUARY IN MINNESOTA AND IT'S RAINING?!?!?!?! I still haven't decided if this is good or bad. But weird and awesome none the less.

So I wander over to Erberts and Gerberts to get soup and sandwich. Sandwich is good, soup is terrible. Great. Now I'm living on 25$. What a dumb idea.

So now I'm sitting at work doing homework. It's almost 6pm. Which means the day could potentially get worse, but it might get better? Let's hope it gets better.

I seriously don't understand why it takes 2 fucking months for MCAD to get me my refund check. $5000 sure would be helpful right now. FUCK.

These are the times that I wish I had a credit card. But I don't know if that would cause more problems or just help me when it comes down to times like these. Sigh. Here's to hoping I make it through this week unscathed.

Hidden in Plain View

I'm trying to push through everything and get to where I want to be. I feel a little overwhelmed. My problem is always follow through.

I think I'm going to go to the fish market after work and get something there to make lunch with. I dunno. I want to make a nice lunch/dinner for myself but I can't decide what to make. Guess I have to sit and do research for the next few hours!

Cody gave me his internet password so I'm able to get some internet at my house. It's pretty spotty, but it's alright. It makes it really hard to watch Avatar though...

I feel sort of strange today. Floating. I'm not sure if that's good or bad or where I'll go next, but that's okay.

I want it to stay warm. I need sun and bike riding and beaches sooner than later.

Every place is a house.

I'm sitting at work now. Listening to Pandora Radio and staring blankly at the minutes ticking on. I am slouching. My arm is sore and my head aches and I feel so tired. I have to get up at 8am again tomorrow, just like today, just like every day, to work and have meetings and run all around and read and read and read until I am cross eyed.

I like it this way.

I've found solace in books lately. In the library. I've never been one to venture into the library just because. Now I find myself winding up there more and more.

The only things it seems I do for fun are so inane. I like to bake and cook. I like to read. Those are my hobbies. Nothing exciting. But yet so exhilarating to me.

I commented the other day that if my 19 year old self were to meet my 21 year old self she would say "You have GOT to be kidding me. When did you get so.... boring?"

In reality, I feel like I've probably never been able to have this much fun. Because I relish it now. I'm never bored unless I'm forced to sit. And even then I am thinking. Or reading. Or writing. Or plotting my next dish or cupcake.

I feel like I'm really using my mind again. Like I've learned to live in and out side of myself.

Logic and tranquility are in no short supply these days. I feel sure and courageous again. Self doubt is vanishing. It is a good feeling.

Here's to more in the future.