We change, we wait.

I feel numbed. And I know people say that a lot, but it's true. There is no real anything resonating from inside of me. It's all just reaction. There is no real emotion behind anything I do lately. No real rationale. I am lost again. I'm trying so hard not to start floating away again.

But it just gets easier and easier and easier. What matters? I have no idea.

I know this sounds stupid. I know this sounds absolutely selfish and sad and absurd. But I can't feel logic anymore. I can't feel happy or sad or anything. Because I spent so long feeling scared and introspective and worried, that nothing makes sense if I'm not trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. And I spent so long caring for someone that I thought cared for me. But then... I don't even want to think about it. It's not that he doesn't care. I know he cares. It's just... I hate to sounds like an asshole... but it just wasn't enough. It wasn't what I thought. It wasn't what I felt. It just.... it wasn't.

But all I want to do is go back to his house and sit with him and hold his hand and tell him it will all be okay and that he doesn't need to worry. That I'm there. But I've become a ghost. I feel like I don't even have a reflection anymore. I'm just nothing. But I'm here. I know I am. I see my breath when I walk outside. I feel my heart. I feel my muscles. But that's all I can feel. The simple bag of skin I am. I feel what's tangible. But everything inside of me, the things that make me human, they've all disappeared.

I promise, if you see me, I'll smile. I'll laugh. I'll make jokes. I'll listen. I'll even hold your hand and tell you everything will be okay. I might even be fun to hang out with. But inside, I'm dead. Half-dead. Near-dead.

When do I get someone to come hold my hand and tell me not to worry because everything will be okay?