Obligatory New Years Post

So here it is. The end of 2008. It's a huge relief in a lot of respects, but a huge stress in a few others. I'm glad this year is over. It's been one of the worst/best/most hectic/most revealing years of my life. Thinking about myself at this time last year just makes me depressed. But it was a pivotal moment for me. A lot has changed this year. I feel more like myself, more independent, more guided, more sure of myself. I still feel insecure. Still feel a little bit needy. But I am not nearly as fucked up as I was at the end of 2007, so I suppose that's alright.

I feel a lot happier and more sure of myself than I have in years. So I guess that's something. That's quite a lot of something actually.

So resolutions? I guess I have to have one. It's usually the same every year. Get thin, stay thin, be healthy, be happy, whatever. I think I have a few goals that are a bit more attainable.

1. Join a gym and work out twice a week AT LEAST. Or just work out at school until I have money.

2. Budget my money so I have something to save.

3. Get a good internship over the summer.

I feel those are all attainable and reasonable so I won't be stuck with some vague thing like "LIKE MYSELF MORE" or whatever the fuck.

Anyways.

I have no idea what I'm doing tonight yet. All I really want to do is curl up with Cody and watch a movie and drink sparkling juice and be able to kiss him at midnight. It's been like 4 years since I've been able to be with the person I'm seeing and be able to kiss them at midnight. And yeah I know it's wicked cheesy, but I would really like to be able to do that. I'm tired of shitty New Years Eves. I'm tired of winding up sad or crying or angry at the end of the night because I get screwed over or ditched or my friends are sitting in a dark room doing blow with a bunch of strangers and I have to wait for them to be done. Cool. I would much rather just hide out and have a quite New Years at home with someone I care about.

See you later 2008. I hope 2009 is more legit.

A Real Entry

I know I've been sort of a broken record lately, but I have been so busy it's hard to sit down at the computer and organize my thoughts. So now I am sitting at work at Robot Love and it is very slow, so I have been thinking a lot about the things I wish to do and accomplish and what everyone can buy me for Christmas! Hurray!


Things you can legitimately purchase for me for Christmas that aren't a Kitchenaid Mixer:

- Susan Sontag's new published journals, Reborn: Journals and Notebooks, 1947–1963. She was always an intriguing character for me and I really enjoy her work. I need new books anyways, so hey! Here's a good one!

- Vintage wallpaper. I want to wallpaper my new apartment since my landlord doesn't care what we do to the walls. I guess he feels it adds property value to the apartment. Fuck yeah! I want to do something really silly from the 40s or 50s. Maybe a few different ones.

- Vintage/really awesome fabric. I want to reupholster my love seat because, frankly, after many years of dogs and cats and humans hanging out on it, it looks like garbage. But I like the shape of it, and think it just needs a really cool face lift.

- Cook books. Preferably baking, vegetarian or Japanese cook books. Those are my favorites. Cupcake cook books are always appreciated.

- Shelves! And a new dining room table! And a cute new desk! Vintage please. Especially if I can paint or stain it myself. I love that ish. I need shelves for all of my awesome toys.

- Art prints or posters. I love art. I want more in my house.

- Screens. Like big changing screens. That I can put around my bed. With cheesy Japanese art on them. Like cranes and stuff. I'm not sure what the technical term for those is...but I want some.

- Gift cards to Micheal's, Ikea, Target, American Apparel, Urban Outfitters, Robot Love, or Cliche. I don't really like gift cards, but I am poor and I like all of these stores and I need things from Micheal's and Ikea especially. So help a girl out, man!

So there are some sensible suggestions I suppose. I'm ready to make the new apartment as mine as possible and not ever have to ask for permission from any room mate to do anything. I know I've been saying that over and over but cripes, I can't wait to be able to tear apart my apartment when I'm working on a project, leave my dishes for a day, rearrange whenever I want and not have to answer to anyone but myself and The Fish. But she'll be psyched on whatever I want prollyably. Alright!

I think I'm going to start rearranging everything tonight and probably FINALLY be able to sleep at the new place. Yay! Yay new place! Yay own apartment! Yay everything! Except the cold. No yay for the cold.

Fondant and Blizzards

It's snowing so much right now. Like, white out blizzard. It was 40 degrees yesterday. I don't get it.

I really want to start baking again but I STILL haven't had time. I'm so frustrated. I just want to cook and bake and now that I've discovered fondant I don't even know what to do.

Catherine gave me a book full of vegetarian recipes today. I can't wait to make like all of them. They looked amazing. I just need to cook. I NEED TO.

I'm almost all moved in to my apartment now. Niki won't be out until tomorrow and I still have some things at the old place, but I'm mostly out. I'm so relieved. I just want it to be over.

I'm really bored with the internet. I need a new book. Halp.

Broken Record

I have one test left and some free cookies to consume and I am FINISHED with the first semester of my Junior year. Shocking.
This is the hardest I have ever worked at school. The most work I've ever done. The busiest I have ever been. And I'm happy. Yes, It's stressful, but I love my jobs, I love my school, I love my program, I love my co workers and class mates. I am just happy. Things are really starting to fit. I am happy to be me.

I know Cody is scared to graduate, but I can't say that I'm not looking forward to him being done with school. I'm looking forward to being able to spend some real time together. Looking forward to being able to sleep in the same bed and not have to get up for anything or anyone in the morning. To just rest together. I'm excited to see where the future takes him. He's so smart and committed to his education that I'm sure wherever he ends up will be the best choice for him. I'm really proud of him. He hasn't let anyone get in his way, and that is so commendable. Okay I'm done now.

I'm going out with everyone from the shop tonight to celebrate Cerny's birthday. It should be a good time. And tomorrow I get to go out with all the BS:VIS kids and celebrate a semester well done. I like to celebrate.

The Fish needs to go back to the vet for a check up tomorrow morning. I hope she is okay. :(

I want to know your plans

I don't mean to get so frustrated. There are things about myself that don't align with what other people want sometimes. It's just how I am. I am outgoing and stubborn and affectionate. Blame it on me being the youngest child. Or being a Leo. Or whatever the fuck you want to blame it on. I can't help who I am or how I feel. I am very feeling. I am emotional and intuitive. I can be logical, but I tend to let my emotions get the best of me. I feel that this prevents me from ever making any sort of real connection with anyone. I don't know why, but that's just how I feel. I don't feel smart. I don't feel like I'm an intelligent person. I don't know who I am. But that is part of growing up. And I'm trying. Trying to let go, trying to be better, trying to control my emotions more. I just can't help it. I'm always slammed with work and school and plans because I secretly love to have lots of stuff to do. And I feel obligated to my friends a lot of the time. I forget to give myself time for me sometimes. This has to change. When I have my own apartment, I hope you will come hang out with me there. I will have kitten and that's better than having no company. I want to be home more. Want to be out more. Want to make friends. Want to keep friends. Don't want to hang out with anyone. Only want to hang out with one person. Hate being bother. Love being bothered. Hate going out. Can't stand being home. Love going to parties. Can't stand being around lots of people. I am full of contradictions and anomalies and half truths and misinformation. I am intelligent and independent and brave. I am stupid and needy and terrified. I don't need anyone to make me happy. I can't be happy alone. I don't make any sense. I never make any sense. I am flakey. I am a great friend. I am sad all the time. I am mostly a happy person. A cynic and an optimist. I am struggling. I don't know what I am yet. I am a monster. A hydra. I am lost.

I want to do everything. I want to be someone.
I want to do nothing. I want to collapse.
I am searching. I am finding.
I am slowly discovering who I am and who I want to be.
Please be patient with me.

I don't have any money.

I'm moving next weekend. I'm running out of money. Loans don't come until end of January which means I have to pick up shifts like every day. Crapz. I don't even think that will be possible. Ugh.

Anywayz.

I just want to pack and move and hang out. This weekend will be hectic. Next week will kill me until Tuesday night then I am pretty much home free. I have to take a test on Thursday that, at this point, I don't care if I pass or fail. And then off to MRM to watch presentations (since we already gave our final) and eat cookies and drink free soda. THEN I AM DONE. It is so close I can taste it. CAN'T WAIT.

I don't think I like having days off unless Im doing tons of stuff. I don't like sitting around very much. This will be effective when I start working out again hopefully. I gotta change my life a little bit I think.

I'm just psyched to be almost done.

Things you can buy me for christmas

Cupcake Necklace


R2D2 Backpack


Sprinkle Ring


Lego iPod speaker


Wet Cats book


Let's Cook Japanese Food Book



AND a Kitchen Aid Mixer.

More to come.....

Down to the wire.

Only two more weeks of school left. I feel like I have so much to do, but then when I look at my To Do list it seems totally manageable. My brain is so tired. I can't make any more decisions. I just want these two weeks to be over. I want to move. I want to have my own space. And I want to spend a month RELAXING. But I will definitely get bored after about a week I'm sure.

I would like to buy a lot of books. And I would like to read them. If anyone has suggestions (do NOT say Twilight), I would love to hear them.

I hope once this semester is over I can spend more time with Cody. I'm really tired of missing him.

I decided to go out on Friday for Alex's coming home party since I haven't been to a party in quite some time. It ended up being just what I needed. I got to see Madison and Sandy and Mike and all the kids. I even got to see Josh for a minute. And I made a new friend. So all in all, it was pretty worthwhile. It was nice to just put all of my everything aside for a few hours and just breathe easy.

When I came home last night, I discovered a large pet crate in my living room with small squeaks emanating from it. Upon closer inspection, I discovered two kittens sitting in front of the kennel door. Jonah decided to get two kittens without telling me. I was shocked at first, but now I've gotten used to it. I was more worried about my cat getting sick than anything. So hopefully everything will be okay. Once I move out she's going straight to the vet for a check up. I'm a totally over protective mom.

Now it's back to futzing with indesign, trying to finish my Dance Band character outline and then sweet sleep, until I get up in the morning to do chores and more homework.

Homeward!

I'm leaving class at 3:50. I'm picking up The Fish (who, for those of you oblivious to my old lady-ness, is my kitten), picking up my brother, and getting the fuck out of town for a few days. PSYCHED.

My baking/cooking regiment for tomorrow includes:
1. Marble pumpkin cheesecake
2. Nut goodie candy
3. Candy bar cookies
4. Spritz cookies
5. Gingerbread cookies
6. Salmon and Wild Rice chowder

and of course: THANKSGIVING MUTHERFUCKIN DINNER!!!!!

I am so excited. I get to see my fam, hang out with kitten, see the Tula pup and the Riley cat, and bake and cook and YESSSS. So excited.

Just high five me today if you see me. You will get a fucking SWEET high five.

It's almost time.

I found my FAVORITE pair of jeans on ebay! I'm so excited. I had a pair that I wore for like a year and a half almost every day and one day they just gave out and ripped in like 4 different places. I was so heartbroken. I still have them sitting in the bottom of my drawer. But randomly on Tuesday night, thanks to Val, I decided to look them up and see if I could find a cheaper pair. They normally retail about $185, but I found a few pairs for about $100 on random sites. I usually don't have much luck on ebay, but I decided to look there anyways and lo and behold, a pair of jeans in my size for only $50!!!!!! I was so psyched I bought them immediately. I can't wait for them to get here. I'm going to wear them for like a week straight.

It's almost time to go home. 4 more days and I get to see my whole family, hang out with my brother, bake, bring my kittens with me, and eat lots of yums. I wish that Cody could come with me, but I'm glad he gets to see his family too. We both need a break.

Tonight is exciting. I'm just so glad that this weekend has arrived. I get paid today, I'm gonna go to Whole Foods and get lunches and I'm going to buy new mittens for myself since I have none mittens.

And the Chai Latte cupcakes I made were a hit. I want a kitchen aid mixer SO BADLY. Someone should buy me one for christmas. And a canon camera battery charger so I can start taking pictures of my baked goods for the blog.

Also I was reading this on Jezebel this morning. I didn't laugh until the very last paragraph. Does that make me a bad person? Fuck it. It's a goddamn good joke.

Exhausted.

Only one more week to go until Thanksgiving break. I cannot fucking wait for Thanksgiving this year. I've never been more excited to go home in my life. I just need a legitimate break from the city. Things have been so high stress lately, I'm just getting really exhausted.

The dinner party last night was a lot of fun. I love making good food with my friends and drinking wine and laughing. It was a perfect evening.

Friday I'm getting tattooed. I can't wait.

I don't even know what to write right now. I'm just glad I said everything that I needed to say. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I've been much happier today.

I just want to hang out with my mom.

I Have a Lot of Homework To Do...

Last night was a strange mixture of awesome and awkward. I think I'm just the most gregariously awkward human on the planet. I felt very out of place and very right where I needed to be at several different points in the night. I found it strange that in one moment I could feel so like I belonged, and in the next feel completely uncomfortable in my own skin. I think I learned a lot about myself last night. I like learning.

But I have so much homework to do, and I haven't done a shred of it yet. I like ideas more than work I think. Well, obviously.

This is pretty cool:


-ibride is making some of my favorite design lately. I had never heard of them until we got their stuff in at Robotlove but hot dang, it's effing amazing. I so want some of their work tattooed on me. So beautiful.


I am disappointed in things a lot lately.

Sometimes Fridays are Cool....

Thanks to Greg over at Perfect Porridge, Jake and I get to go see The Faint tonight and review them! So excited. I've never seen The Faint live and I've wanted to since like 8th grade. I hope they play a lot of old stuff. Cripes that makes me feel like an old lady... but hey I get to buy drinks at the bar like an adult! Ha.

Last night was pretty excellent. Bowling of course. I actually got 100! I was so excited. Yeah, I'm really that bad at bowling.

Also I fixed my schedule. I'm going to take Ethics and Aesthetics on Thursday mornings now, which I guess is okay because then I'll be done with class by noon. But eff. I was really looking forward to Advertising Account Management. What a nerd, right?

I've been having a lot of thoughts lately that I don't normally have. I wonder how much I will change in the coming year.


Also this was really funny to me.

Welcome to the End of My Week.

All I have to do is suffer through another hour and a half of Biological Systems, aka the worst class I've ever had to endure, hang out in Digital Marketing for a few hours and then I am HOME FREE. BOOM.

I finally am getting some of my deposit back from my last evil landlord (you know, the one that showed up unannounced at all hours to show our apartment when it was a mess, i was naked and cody was in my bed.). He made up a bunch of lies about how we weren't out until 2am on September 2nd (so not true) and how the apartment was a mess (slightly true, but it was MUCH cleaner than when Bill and I moved in), but in the end my charming wit and cunning won him over. We only get half our deposit back, but it's better than nothing. So fuck that guy. I hope I never see his chubby ridiculousness again.

Also everything is just about finalized for my move out next month. High fives. So stoked to live alone FINALLY. I think I'm just goddamn impossible to live with. Except Bill was the best. I wish I lived with him again.

My Thursday night class for next semester got effing cancelled. Which means I have to rearrange my next semesters schedule again. DO NOT LIKE.

All I want to eat right now is stir fry. Just a but load of stir fry. So many vegetables. Yummmmmmmmmm.

I feel as though bowling is in order tonight. But when is it not?

Motimate.

Alright fine. I get it. I'm only going to be unhappy if I let myself be unhappy. Well you know what? Fuck it. I don't want to be unhappy so I'm not going to be goddammit! And yeah. So what if you don't like him? So what if things aren't the best right now? So what if things aren't exactly what I want them to be right now. It gets better, right? Like, things have to fucking suck before they can get better because if they were good all the time there would be no room for improvement, right?

I'm a fucking crusader for my own piece of mind today. AND I WANT A GODDAMN KITCHENAID MIXER.

Here's something that makes it a little better. Next semesters schedule.

Monday: Class 9:30 - noon
Work 12-5 OR 5-10

Tuesday: Work 10:45 - 2
Independent study, which is event planning and coordinating for an exhibition at MCAD. Yeah. It's a real job.

Wednesday: Class 9:30 to Noon
Class 6:30 to 9.
Look at that huge gap in between! Ridiculous.

Thursday: Work 12-5
Class 6:30 - 9

Friday: Class 1-6

Saturday: Work 10:45-? (Either 2 or Close.)

Sunday: OFF

So that's that. We'll see how sane I stay.
And I'm moving soon.
So I'll get to be all by myself. And that feels sooooo good.
FUCK IT!

Frustrated/Unnoticed

I feel really sick of trying.
I'm tired of feeling ignored.
I am defeated.
What more do you want from me?
There's only so much a person can take...

Materialism.

Happy Jamie.

It feels like Christmas

I want to give everyone a fucking hug today.

Holy dixx.

I cannot believe it. The first Presidential election I get to vote in. This is an important milestone in American history. I'm just so infinitely psyched today. Nothing can be bad. Even if I get hit by a car, I will get wheeled into the hospital with an ear to ear grin on my face. Fuck it!

America, you don't suck as bad as I thought you did. Way to be.

Democratic Erections

Every election day, I miss Harrison Cross.
"We aw awr preased by yo democrashi and democratic erections."

Aww.

Anyways. I voted like a week ago. Everywhere is giving out free shit if you voted. I made cupcakes. I am giving out free shit if you voted. I'm probably going bowling tonight. Life is good.

High fives all around today.

Halloween'd.

So last night was halloween. I dressed up to go to work. No one came in between 5 and 7. I ate a bunch of candy. Then I went home and watched the 100 scariest movie moments on Bravo. I went to Cody's at 11. I was in bed by 2am.

I haven't had a legitimately amazing halloween in like 3 years. Since I moved to the cities. Hanging out with Cody was awesome of course, but I think he was feeling a little bummed out too about not going out and celebrating.

Thursday I went to a party and then played Rock Band and got silly all night, which was good. And tonight is Sandy's post-halloween party. I'll wear the same costume, different make-up probably. Maybe different shoes too. Haha god I'm so cool.

So recap. Halloween was sort of a bust this year. BUT. At least I didn't end up crying and drunk for 24 hours straight like last year. Yeah. Yikes.

What A Surprise; I'm Apathetic!

Things have remained overwhelmingly the same in the last few days.
I have a cold. I carved a pumpkin that looked like haunter from Pokemon yesterday, which was completely bad ass. My thumb nails are way too long. I still need a costume. It's whatever. That has totally become my catch phrase lately.

"Hey Jamie! How's school?"
"Oh I dunno...It's whatever."

Yeah. Apathy++. I'm just fucking tired of everything all the time.
I guess I'm probably moving in December, so I'll have my own place which will be badical. I dunno. Fuck it. That's all I can say lately. It's whatever, fuck it.

I just wish I could sit down and have a nice long conversation with someone and make everything better. Wishful thinking? Yeah probably. Fuck it.


I don't want Cat to leave.
I only wanna hang out with The Fish.

おいしい!

I feel it's important to note that Mike introduced me to an amazing restaurant in central Minneapolis.

It's called Midori's Floating World. It's a cute little Japanese cafe, with the best japanese food I have ever had (Besides of course what my host mother made me). They even had Takoyaki, which are little octopus dumplings that are probably the most delicious thing EVER. Mike and I were equally ecstatic about them.

The prices are reasonable. They're definitely not trying to overcharge. So if you like good food, you should probably google that shit and hit it up. I want to go there every day. Kitsune Soba and Takoyaki for every meal!!!!!!!

In other news, I made pumpkin cookies yesterday and they were awesome. Now I just don't know what to bake next!

I love the internet!

A bunch of kids were in Robot Love this morning from Thunder Bay. I got to talking to one of them about tattoos as he and his friend were commenting on my octopus and hello kitty. I mentioned my half sleeve idea, and he starts telling me about these pokemon tattoos his friend has. Turns out his friends ideas weren't so original. But bad ass none the less.

So here's what his friend has tattooed on her chest:



You can check out the rest of this guys flash here.

Fuck it.

I finally decided what I'm going to be for halloween. It's going to be pretty easy to pull off and will hopefully be hilarious. So high fives all around for that one.

I've been bowling twice this week already. Probably going for round 3 tonight. I think I may be getting slightly pathetic. Or maybe just slightly more awesome...?

Things are still lame. Most things. School is still kicking my ass. I still have very little free time (I'm just sitting at school taking a break from homework right now, and then I'll get to go to work. Woo hoo!). But Amanda was kind enough to pick up my shift this Saturday night, which means a little relaxin' time. Probably.

I'm hoping things change soon. If they don't, I might have to make some drastic decisions. I'm tired of so much right now. Tired of being stood up, being let down, being the only one that seems to care about so many things going on around me. Just exhausted with everything.

I'm anxious to get tattooed again. Seriously. I hope we start my half sleeve soon...

My Life in Bullet Points

- I voted yesterday! Absentee ballots for the win!
- Homework? All day every day!
- Cosmic bowling. Bestbest.
- Baking is pretty much the only thing that makes me really happy anymore.
- Miss Cody.
- Miss my parents.
- Hating on everything.
- Cat is probably the only friend that makes plans with me anymore.
- I still don't know what I want to be for halloween.


How cool does that sound?

It's happening.

It's that time of year again where I find my concentration skills waning. Seasonal depression kicks in, I lay in bed for far too long, my motivation doesn't exist and I start falling behind in school.

THIS CAN NOT HAPPEN RIGHT NOW.

I need to hide this week. I need to work. I can't play. I'm sorry.

Today I have a lot to accomplish.

2-3 assignments for marketing, 2-3 assignments for Vis studio, Meeting and work on our midterm review for Bio sys, AND...God I don't even know what else for digital marketing. Thank fuck I have no homework in project tracking this week or I would for sure be shooting myself for taking the weekend off.

I hate myself sometimes.

Don't Take It Personally...

I'm sort of a tough broad.
Or at least that's what I'm told.

I'm pretty laid back, I don't care about much, I don't get into peoples drama for any other reason but to laugh at it, and for the most part, I keep to myself. I don't cry a lot. I don't mind if people don't like me (I figure it's usually with good reason OR I probably don't want to be their friend anyways if there is no reason). I don't usually get my feelings hurt (if you have an insult for me, I've probably heard it from 1000 other people. I get it. I suck).

But there are some times, and some people, that just really get under my skin. Things that scathe worse than any thing else.

I'm gonna get a little personal here.
You probably shouldn't read this.


I was basically told to leave last night. I understood, because he had homework and was crabby and what not. However. It was the way that it happened.

I waited all day to see him for 10 minutes. He didn't kiss me when I came in. He barely looked at me the whole time. Then said I wouldn't see him until probably Tuesday and said I should probably go. Then he begrudgingly got up to hug me goodbye only after I asked.

So yeah. I got in my car and I cried. I bawled. It really hurt. I felt like I was absolutely being dismissed.

So now I don't really know how to feel. It hurt a lot. And I don't know if it was just because he was upset and stressed or whatever. It hurt. And I need to vent about it.

I mean... seriously? What do I do wrong? That's how I feel right now. It was searing. Honestly. I barely see him anymore because we're both so busy and when I do see him for a brief moment that's how I get treated?

So what does this mean? Is that it? See you later?

My heart is in my stomach today. I just don't feel right.

Things I Will Never Understand

1. Suzie Q's teaching style.
2. Why pumpkin pie, made of something so yucky, is so damn delicious.
3. Why people giving powerpoint presentations often times just read off the slides. They're your visual, not your notes. Cut it out goddammit!
4. Why I'm better at ideas than implementation. I guess I really am an ENFP...
5. Marketing.
6. Bars and people that frequent them.
7. Why everyone thinks I'm much younger than I am initially. I don't know if this is good or bad.
8. How someone so different from me can be one of my favorite people in the world.
9. Wisconsinites. Oh my god. I think I just hate the way they talk.
10. Why when you tell people you don't do something (i.e. eat meat) they immediately shove that thing/action in your face (i.e. LOOK AT THIS STEAK SANDWICH YUM MMMM MEAT YOU WANT SOME I KNOW YOU DO!).

I had an informational interview at Fast Horse Inc. today. I'm pretty sure that's the sort of place I want to work when I grow up. I met with a guy named Taylor, and he was awesome, and he really soothed my worries about jobs/internships. He was great, laid back, funny and an all around cool guy. I feel much better now.

Things are weird lately. I'm moving again in December into a one bedroom hopefully. We'll see. I need some stability. Or do I?

Schedules.

I picked up a shift at Robot Love today in order to get last Saturday morning off. Let me just say, I am definitely a slave to my schedule. I didn't really realize it until a switch in my schedule happened. It seriously threw me off so hard. I had planned to do homework and make cupcakes and watch Project Runway today. I need days like that. I need to unwind! Srsly.

Point being that I'm 21. I'm spontaneous. I adjust well. And yet, when my Sundays get fucked with, I'm not a happy lady. Any other day of the week, throw anything at me, I'll adapt, I'll do it, hell I'll do it with a smile on my face even. But mess with my Sundays, my homework day, my relaxing day, my one day that I'm not busy for 8 hours or more during my waking hours, and I'm a cranky little shit.

The good thing is that I think Kristoffer knows that about me, because he offered to swing in around 3 so I could take a break and eat some lunch and take a breather. What a sweetie. I've been discovering lately that he and I are much more similar than I had initially thought. We have similar neurosis, similar extraverted/introverted tendencies, similar ways of dealing with work and stress. It's a good thing I think.

Anyways.. Schedules. I die without mine. Period. Guys?

Crazy Cat Lady.

I always sing songs to my cat replacing certain words with her name. I do that to Cody's cat too. And I did it to Bill's cats when we lived together. Why am I so weird? Am I really that weird?

Things I Will Never Understand

1. My ex-boyfriends. All of them.
2. Why people from LA always fucking talk about being from LA. NO ONE CARES.
3. Why anyone is attracted to me.
4. Why every time I go to my bank, someone, lady or gentleman, tells me I'm hot/a supermodel/gorgeous/etc...
5. Why they can't make an easier way to pluck your eyebrows.
6. Money and economics.
7. Why anyone would ever assume I am an art student.
8. Rush hour traffic jams. It's like... you get in your car, and use the accelerator to go forward. How hard is that? Honestly.
9. My inherent feeling of responsibility for everything.
10. Why any of my Biological Systems teachers are still employed at MCAD.


That's it for this week... trust me, I have a billion more.

Public Service Announcement

Childhood obesity is a real problem, guys.

Wow.

How do you compose a letter thanking someone for the impact they've had on your life?

And how do you do that when they're about to die?

What can I even say?

Wow.

You don't have to go to college.

I've been up since 6:45am.
I talked to Jerry about studying abroad in Toronto next fall and focusing on fashion communications.
I talked to Christine about getting an internship and getting my resume and cover letter in order.
I'm really doing it. I'm making everything go. I'm doing it. Me.
I'm proud of me. You should be too. I'm not one to take the reins.

Speaking of which, I'm the project manager for my Vis Studio class. And my entire group congratulated me on being an awesome leader yesterday. You have no idea how good that feels. I feel like I'm succeeding where I want to succeed. YES.

I'm having tea with Niki at 6:30. I'm exhilarated. Nervous. Scared. Excited. All of the above.
I hope it goes well. It will go well.

Maxwel and Bill are here. Maxwel is getting tattooed. Bill is telling me to blog about him. I miss Bill. I wish we still lived together. He's the goddamn best.

Cody just told me he wants to go to Grad school in Houston probably.
Would I move to Texas?


Yes.

Dance Band

In my marketing class, we're doing a project where we make a new marketing plan for a local band. We picked Dance Band. Then Nick found their official youtube postings. I am in love.

Madness.

I saw some of my old traits coming out this weekend at Black and White ball. I did not like that. I immediately got them in check, and I feel back to normal now.

Niki and I spent some time together on friday. It made me really happy. It also made me realize how much both of us had changed, and yet how similar we both still were. This was comforting.

Cody and I had a very long talk on Saturday night about some things. It was so refreshing to sit down and have a logical talk about how we were both feeling. Neither one of us interrupted the other, we heard each other out, we stated our grievances, talked it out, and ended up happier because of it. I understand him much better now, and I think he understands me better too. This is by far the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. It feels really good.

Danny and I had a talk on Saturday also. I was big on talking this weekend I suppose. This talk was much harder to swallow and a lot more uncomfortable. I just hope everything will work itself out.

Sunday I did all of my laundry. Sat around. I beat 3 Sudoku challenges in an hour and a half. I felt really awesome about this for some reason.

Now it is monday. I have homework. I'm cleaning. Spending time with The Fish. I hate when I'm gone all weekend and I don't get t cuddle her. She is getting so big!

Wednesday I meet with Jerry Allan at 8:30am to discuss studying at Ryerson for a semester. This might be exactly what I need.

This week, I need shelves. I need to start exercising. I need to clean the entire house. I need to grocery shop. I need to only cook at home and not eat out. I need to not drink. I really really need to update my budget and pay my electric bill. Baby steps.

Fairy Godmother Plz?

The dress I had planned on wearing to the Black and White Artist's Ball this year, surprise, doesn't fit over my gigantic ribcage. Honestly. My ribs are bigger than my waist. I don't know what to do now. I have like...tonight to go shopping and that is absolutely it. FUXXXXXXX.

I'm just going to have to raid the mall on fucking super speed. I don't even know where to start looking. GAH. I hate being crunched for time I H8 it even.

PLUS I don't even have shoes! I am going to drive Cat and Danny crazy tonight when we go shopping.

FRICKFRICKFRICKFRICK.

I'm going to end up just buying a dress from American Appy and sluttin' it up, I just know it.

Also, Chris, I hope you got YSL black lip gloss.

OMG TWINZ

So Cody's family took us to a twins game yesterday. They killed it big time. 6-0.
I'm not really a big sports fan, but holy crap, I had a blast yesterday. Just spending time with Cody outside of laying in bed at the end of the day was really really nice. I feel like we haven't hung out like that since we moved.

This week will prove to be hectic, as per usual. I have a lot of work to do. I can't slack off like I did all weekend. I just can't!

Just...I don't want things to be so hectic like they were before. I need to stay grounded and get my work done. That is priority number one.

Ask and you shall receive

I wanted a great night, and I got one.

Started out meeting up with Chris and Lottie, getting sandwiches and hanging out watching BIODOME while listening to New Found Glory (aka reliving my high school days). Not bad. After that we scurried over to Zack and Lance's loft (after Lottie let me borrow some shoes and a shirt) to hang out and see Anastasia's MISS HIGH TIMES NOVEMBER FEATURE (soooooooo good). Cat and Danny were bugging me all night to meet them out in Northeast for some drinks, so when Lottie went home and Chris decided to go to the 19 bar, I hopped in the car and headed over to some hilarious dive bar called Jimmy's where I met up with Cat, Jake, Danny and Cat's 50 year old gay friend Billy.

So after sitting around talking about video games, taking Bazooka Joe shots (delicious, by the way), and watching Billy's 40 plus friends falling all over themselves, we headed over to Jake and Danny's and played Rock Band until about 6AM.

The whole night was just...fun. I laughed all night long, had good talks, was ridiculous with my friends and drank a little too much, but even though I only got 3 hours of sleep and I had to work at 10:45, I feel awesome. It was just really good to go out and come back and be silly and not have to compete with people and not have to try to be "cool". I just got to be me. I got to be loud and outrageous and fall down laughing and sing my guts out and make people laugh and talk about Pokemon. Everyone agreed we need to go out together more often.

It was just A GOOD FUCKING NIGHT. And I needed it

That's all.

Fits and Starts

HAI I GOT A NEW TATTY. (O SUP LOTTIE?)

So as I've said before. I feel like my life is always flowing in fits and starts. It never really just goes. It goes for a long time and then sputters then stops then starts the stops the starts again. I don't know. I never feel constant. Not since my grandma died a few years ago. All of the constants in my life disappeared soon after that.

I'd really like to stop complaining about this. I'd really like it to go away. As much as I love spontaneity, I would love a little structure to go with it. It's so impossible to find the balance between chaos and calm, but that's where I like to be. Right in the middle of it.

I sometimes feel like certain people are getting tired of me. I feel that way right now. It's making me a little scared. But why should I worry? I ALWAYS WORRY.


On a positive note, the new TV on the Radio is really good. I never really liked them that much, but this album is fucking rad. I'd love to see them live. I'd love to see any good show really. I can't remember the last one I saw.

Can tonight just be really good plz? K thx.

Growing up

Growing up was always much harder for me then I think it was for a lot of people. The problem with me is that if there are too many options in front of me that sound appealing, I want to do everything. And since I can't do everything, I get depressed and end up choosing whichever seems easiest. This is a horrible trait of mine. When it became easier to make stupid decisions, to hurt people, to betray my own morals, than to simply walk away and be my own person, I of course chose what was easier. But I don't think anyone really understands. I'm just so afraid of everything. I'm afraid of being mundane. I'm afraid of making dramatic decisions. So instead, I do what's easiest. Instead, I make myself much more boring and stupid than I am, because it's easier. I struggle so much every day to figure out who I am, what I want to do, who I want to be, where I want to be. And I'm afraid that I'm too afraid and I'll just end up in Minnesota for the rest of my life because I could never walk away from anything. I could never be brave enough to venture out on my own and learn new things by myself, so here I sit and stay, like a good dog. I do what's expected of me, never what I want to do.

So here I am at a crossroads and faced with a choice: Do I take a change and move to Toronto and start over? Do I finish at MCAD but attempt to move for the summer and intern somewhere bigger than myself? Do I work hard to actually achieve something or do I sit and wait and hope that something will choose me instead of me having to choose it?

No one ever accomplished their dreams by waiting for them to float by. If I want something I have to go out and grab it and hold on for dear life. I know that. So why can't I just do it? I am completely at a loss.

I miss Niki. Before I ruined everything. Before I gave up on myself and took everyone down with me. I miss my friends that loved me because I was me and not because of who I knew or where I went or what I did. They knew I had changed for the worse, but I couldn't see it. I feel like I have like 5 or 6 people in my life that love me because I'm me and for no other reason. But hindsight is 20/20.

And now I need to stop being afraid before I push everyone away. I need to embrace where I'm going and stop trying to be something I'm not and just be and enjoy what I enjoy and do what I do because it's what I want not because I'm trying to please someone or something. I need to follow my bliss. I need to be persistent. I need to be honest and be straight and true to myself and not let anyone push my around. Even if that makes people dislike me, at least I'll like me. Because right now Im not sure how much I really do.

Fashion weekend

It's fashion weekend here in Minneapolis. What does that mean? Not a whole lot. In fact, it's usually just more of the same: The same small collective of artists/designers/art enthusiasts rubbing shoulders that rub said shoulders at damn near every event in the minneapolis area. Woo hoo.

I'm a little excited about Sugar tonight, but I don't even know if I'll go for sure. And the only reason I'm excited is because Chris and Lottie are modeling.

Tonight's Josh's birthday and Honeymoon too.

I find it so hard to care about events anymore. I think I'm bitter. Maybe bored? Nothing really strikes me anymore. Night life is all the same: Get a drink, talk to X important person, dance, get another drink, talk to X important person, dance, repeat. I dunno. Maybe I just don't know how to have fun anymore? I feel like I don't even know what I like anymore.

Oh well. Fuck it.

So long, Toronto...

Well it would appear as though transferring is not an option. If I even get in to Reyerson, I would have to start over completely. I would possibly have enough transfer credits to knock off a year of school, but I would basically enter as a freshman.

Gawd.

Now I'm just going to be depressed for the rest of the week.
Damn you Canada, why do you have to be so cruel!

My Saturdays always suck.

It's pouring rain. I'm trying to decide whether or not I should go home tonight. I want to. But I also have a lot of work to do. But it also might be good to run away for a day or two and get my head on straight, right?

Every day that goes by that I do no school work I feel like I'm slacking. It's seriously taking over my life, but I love it. I LOVE school. Seriously. Is that weird? I think it's especially weird because I'm studying business, event planning, marketing and project management from the creative side and every time I go to class I'm completely absorbed and totally interested in everything they say. Oh my god...I'm becoming an adult...

Jake was telling me about some school in Toronto that apparently has a fashion business program. Like..HELLO PERFECT SCHOOL. Do I really wanna move that far away? Um. YES. Well...sort of.

I think I might try to get enrolled for next semester. I dunno though. Is that really a good idea? Do I really want to leave Minneapolis now, especially when I'm just starting to really love school? I think it might be a good opportunity to do something different though. I guess I have some research to do.

Supa Kawaii Desu Ne?

Yeah I'm a huge japan fan. Like super nerd. I just ordered some cell phone charms from Japan from this super cute site called Strapya. It made me really miss being in Japan, especially since you can get area specific charms. Oh Asakusa, how I wish I could walk your ridiculous streets again.

I also cut my hair today. Like...big step for me. But I'm really diggin' it. I went to Moxie in St Paul and the girl that cut my hair was really cute and awesome. I was like a foot and a half taller than her with my shoes on so I just felt really silly when I got out of her chair. So it's been an eventful day I suppose.

I just can't wait to get my cell phone charms and cry when I think about never being back in Tokyo. Someday, I need to.

More like project DUMBway....

Oh boy. I finally FINALLY got to watch some of this season of Project Runway last night. Why do almost all of the designers this season SUCK big time? I mean...jeez. Between the dude that refers to himself as "Suede" in the third person and that bitch that can't take criticism and always argues with everyone, I'm just downright disappointed. I guess I really haven't seen that much of the show, but seriously. Disappointed.

I'm still sick. I can barely breathe today, which makes walking up four flights of stairs in heels exceedingly difficult. OH HAI FATTY.

I'm so glad this week is almost over. I need to clean my house.

I haz cold?

My throat and ears and nose and head are throbbing and I feel disgusting.
All I want is to lay in bed all day with the fish and eat soup.
But instead I get 9 hours of school.
Awsm.
I feel like my brain doesn't work right now. I'm trying to write objectives for our group project and I keep reiterating the same point.
Ima get fired.
Prolly not but still I hates it.

Also my morning is again off to a phenomenal start. Not only do I have this awesome cold, I can't use my effing shower. WHAT. THE. FUCK. I hate today. I hate it.

And now I go to class and put my head down.

Time to Grow up.

It's a new school year with a new major and a new position and a new apartment and a new kitten and a new life.

So why not a new blog?

I woke up this morning to my landlord pounding on my door. Apparently, my maintenance man was supposed to call me yesterday to let me know that they were installing a new tub surround in my bathroom today? Guess what. He never called. Mind you, this pounding came at 7:30am. But I was pleased to ignore them and ultimately deny them access until I had gotten up and gotten ready for school and left the apartment. Flexing my renters rights biiiiiiiitch. I just hope they're nice to my kitten.

So now I'm at school, trying to decide what product that I want to write a 4 p's and 7 c's summary on that due in...7 hours. Fuck. I hate not having the internet at home. Tomorrow though. Hot damn. Also I'm clearly spending my time in the correct productive way...making a new blog to distract me from doing work. Alright.

I need a haircut. And to drink this Diet Coke with Lime that Benjamin made me crave for. Jerk.