またね

Not enough hours in the day.
Trying my best to study as often as possible. Pairing down my things sooner rather than later. Need to apply for student loans by the end of the month.
Started back at Robotlove again. Exciting but also a little bummed out I have to give up my Friday and Saturdays off.
I just need more time. I need to tell myself it's okay to give myself time.
I need a planner.
I feel like I've been neglectful of my friends. But I have no choice sometimes.

I'm anxious and excited and overwhelmed. I just need to breathe and remember that everything always works out in the end.

Oh yeah I forgot. I got in to Temple. Moving to Tokyo at the end of December. Starting 2010 in 日本。

Please find me if you'd like to see me before I go. I will miss you all.

Niki, I love you. Please come stay with me soon.

direction

applied for a university in tokyo. find out in 8 days if i'm moving there or not. hoping the answer is yes. hoping to make the journey. hoping mike gets in too, so i can have one of my best friends close by.

i'm 22 now and i'm the happiest i've been in my lifetime.

Summer is not the time for sitting. It is the time for doing.

Well. Unless that sitting is on the beach.

Turning over a new leaf. Tomorrow is a new day.

I'm stretched so thin.

Niki left for Uganda this morning. I am so proud of her, but also so scared for her.

I am doing nothing. I want to be more than this.

I have been light headed every day still. I don't understand.

What do I do?

Hello

I'm alive. I promise.

I'm happy mostly.

My car won't start, but I didn't even get that sad about it. Hopefully we can figure it out.

I need to move out. I'm poor as hell. It's really a sad thing, because I love my apartment. But my bank account does not.

I'm not really sure what else to say. I need to do a bunch of work still, like always. But things are going pretty well.

But exciting news. I get to help TA Biological Systems with Abbi next semester! I can't wait to learn everything I can from her. She is amazing.

Give it up.

I've made a lot of decisions in the last week. Now it's time to make it happen.

I'm too accustomed to being free now. I don't think I can be anyones anything. I'm too well adjusted to doing everything I want to do all the time by myself.

I have summer goals, but I don't feel I need to share them. They are mine and I will keep them for me. As soon as you share them, they become harder to attain. So in my brain they stay.

I'm getting my hair messed with tomorrow. I can't decide what to do. I want a drastic change but I don't want to regret it. We'll see what happens.

we are light.
we are made of light.
and we are shining.
we are penetrating ever crevice.
we are reflecting around corners and floating under cracks in doors.
we are everywhere all the time.
and we are nowhere never.
light light light.
we are everything.

Staggering.

First and foremost, I'm pretty well convinced that everything happens for a reason.

That being said, I would like to describe my current life situation.

1. I haven't paid my rent this month yet and definitely can't afford to.
2. I've been acting like it's the apocalypse lately. I haven't had this much alcohol since I was going through that phase a few years ago.
3. All I want to do is go home, but I can't afford to.
4. I'm getting laid off at Robotlove at the end of the month because they can't afford to keep me on.
5. By some (quite unfortunate) serendipity, one of the receptionists got the boot at the tattoo shop, which means I can pick up enough hours to get me to a 35 or 40 hour work week over the summer. SCORE. Money!
6. I don't know if I can afford school next year, and all I want to do is study abroad. Japan plz.
7.I feel let down lately. I'm probably neglecting the people that legitimately care about me, aside for that Mike that I spend all my time with.

That's pretty much all I got. I miss Alison, Derek and Sara. I miss Niki. I miss Joe. I miss Cody and Z. I feel like I'm just lost.

Hot Commodity

Knowing yourself is far more important than one can ever really realize.

Back to summer. I can't wait to have a legitimate day off.

Missing Pieces and Fuck You's.

I'm doing everything I can to not work on my homework right now. Bad, bad, bad. My work ethic has fallen by the way side.

I've got a whole lot of emotions under my surface bubbling away. A whole lot of thoughts that I've been thinking. I realized that if I just don't think those thoughts, nothing matters. What happens externally is all other people see. So why even burden yourself? My internal dialogue has become a tumult of existentialism.

I had a long conversation with my brother about whether or not love exists the other day. I called him naive. He got kind of upset and called me a nihilist. What am I becoming? I don't believe in anything except floating anymore. And I'm not sad or self-destructive. I'm just tired of being disappointed.

I want to stay up all night tonight. I want to make a mural. I want to write words and share sentiments and have long conversations. I need to empty my head.

I just keep thinking this over and over in my head: "Perhaps people like us cannot love. Ordinary people can. That is their secret."
Am I really that unordinary?

Pulled Muscles and Finals

Something is wrong with me. I've been sick as a dog. And sleepy. And NO IT'S NOT FUCKING SWINE FLU FUCK YOU FOR EVEN TRYING TO BRING IT UP YOU JERK. I've been coughing and coughing and tired. I think that's why I feel so vile is just because I can never sleep because I'm always coughing all night long. I don't remember the last time I got good sleep. I slept all day today and missed school. I'm screwing up the end of the semester when I've been doing so well all along. And I NEED to disappear and do work but that is the LAST thing I want to do. I just want to be with my friends. Ugh.

Seriously though, I coughed so hard last night I pulled a muscle in my stomach. Like COME ON, lungs, chill out with the coughing already.

How do you know if you have pneumonia?

Where to end/Where to begin

I have this problem.

I feel too old and too young at the same time.

I'm the most mature immature person I've ever met. I love hula hooping and jump ropes and roller skates, dancing in the street, singing at the top of my lungs, running around screaming.

But I feel like I can't relate to people. Not in a condescending way, but like there's something I just don't get most of the time.

I feel like I don't entirely fit in anywhere, but that I fit in everywhere. Does that make sense?

My brain hurts today. Too much thought, not enough action.

I need 3 things today:
- An apple
- Reassurance
- Friendship

Granted, I'm not sad or upset. I'm not feeling bad for myself. I'm just curious and a little confused. Although, I did recently stop taking my anxiety medication against my better judgement. But 50$ a month is just too much for me. Sorry pharmaceutical industry, but I'm just a poor little college girl. Relying on medication isn't really my banner jam anyways. But I would really like to level out instead of feeling anxious and knowing it's completely ridiculous. That's the funny thing about my anxiety, is I completely understand and recognize it, but no matter how I talk myself out of it, it doesn't ever really work. And then it will just disappear all of a sudden. It's really frustrating.

I wish I could shut myself off. I like it better when I can just roll with everything. So does everyone else I'm pretty sure.

Worn Out Record.

I'm tired. Stressed. Over booked. Under prepared. It's all my own fault. I didn't want to do anything when it got sunny. I still don't. I need exercise. I need a clean house. I need to do homework. I need to fill out applications. I need someone to kick me in the ass so I stop falling by the wayside. Scratch that, I need to kick my own ass.

I ran myself down this weekend. I always do this to myself. And I accomplished very little. Very little real things I mean. I rode my bike and worked I guess. Finished a project. Made some lists. Hot tubbed. That's about all I got. Not really a whole lot.

I think part of my problem is I've been trying to introvert myself, which is having some adverse reactions. I was really salty on saturday and sunday. I'm not taking care of myself.

Friday was a lot of fun. Friday, I was on 100%. Friday I did good things, had a lot of fun, was with my good friends, met new friends, managed to be the most comfortable in a social situation I've been in a long time. I need more days like that. I need less alcohol probably when I do those things though.

Today is Natalie's birthday. I hope I feel good enough to be able to go get drinks (at least a coke!) and be in good spirits. RIght now I'm just exhausted.

I need to keep reminding myself that it's impossible to run from anything. It is all inevitable. Honesty is the best policy. I need to be honest with myself.

Oh Hay.

My days have been really interesting lately. My ability to keep a level head has greatly improved. Jerry Allan says it takes 30 days to change a habit. Thanks Jerry. I think on that quite often. One month to transformation. One month to being more me.

Someone asked me what I was afraid of yesterday. Without hesitation I replied "nothing." The funny thing was, I think that it was completely sincere. There is a difference between aprehension and fear. Maybe it was more at that moment perhaps. Either way, it felt really good to say and mean.

I'm struggling to find the right words for anything today. A quiet calm is setting in. I feel really good about it.

Niki came to visit yesterday! Which was really nice to see her. Unfortunately I didn't get to spend a whole lot of time with her, but I met her boyfriend and he seemed really nice. It's clear that she has really changed, and so have I. Only for the better though.

Mike Eames is a really good friend.

Head in the Clouds

I've had a lot of time to think lately. I've come to a lot of conclusions about myself, and I'm pretty happy about it. I know I say that a lot, but that's alright. Life is constant self-discovery and reinvention, right?

I realized that I felt very held down. Still do. But I've got plans, routes of escape, places to hide. I feel more free. I feel more at ease.

I realized I blamed a lot of other people for the way that I felt. Especially one person in particular. It was no ones fault but my own though. I needed to step back to see through it.

Now I just feel relaxed. Independent. Niki used to always say I would never be happy until I realized I liked myself much better alone. She's always right. I miss her a lot. She was the only one brave enough to be honest with me. I think I sometimes held that against her.

I still feel a little bit behind with my daily life. I have homework piling up. Forms I need to fill out. Applications I need to get in. It's too hard though with the way the weather has been lately. All I can think of is bbq's, roller skating and laying outside with a stack of good books. Fuck it I guess. If worse comes to worse I can just disappear and live on a farm. Ha.

If I don't say much next time you see me, don't feel bad. I've taken to observing more than speaking lately. If you'd like to talk, though, I would be more than happy to listen.

I can't seem to land.

I feel like I have a mile long list of things which need accomplishing and not enough time to do them. I sort of feel like I fucked myself over by going out of town for spring break, but I definitely needed the change of scenery.

I don't think I can go home this weekend for Easter as much as I want to. I need the time to actually be accomplishing things. I can't be fucking around anymore. School is almost over this year and it's just not possible. I need to end on a good note. I've already dropped the ball on a few things. No more. I need to be a good student. I need to accomplish my work.

Today has been incredibly strange. A very fine mix of good and bad. The good has seemed to outweigh the bad though.

Tmobile is FINALLY giving me a new phone after 6 months of me complaining and my phone not working properly. Pretty psyched on that. I should be getting it in the next few days so hot dang.

I feel like I have a bunch of catching up to do with my friends. I have barely seen anyone since I've been home. AND I HAVE SO MUCH LAUNDRY. Crap.

I just need to write it all down and accomplish things one at a time.

So long, New England.

I'm leaving for the airport in a little bit. This is my last morning in the Harring's house. I'm sort of sad to be leaving. I love living here. I love the girls and the places to explore. I love the people I've met. I love the kitchen! And I love waking up with my BFF every morning.

The lifestyle out here has gotten me on a solid sleep schedule. I've been eating really well. Everything is so old and beautiful. I want to see summer in New Hampshire. I want to walk the streets of Boston every night. I want Concord walks and Kimball's Ice Cream.

On friday when we had Heidi's birthday dinner(which Cat and I prepared, Scallops and Leeks in Orange Star Anise sauce and a Strawberry Marscapone Torte), Heidi's dad asked me (half jokingly) what I would charge to come be his live-in chef. CHEF. It started my brain swirling at the possibility of living here over the summer, cooking and learning to cook every day, experimenting, being able to explore a new world every day. I couldn't ask for a better offer. I wish it could actually happen.

I'm sad to be leaving this place. I am looking forward to being home though. I miss my kitten and my friends. Being out here has really made me take another look at my life. I realize now I can go wherever the wind takes me and find comfort. I could move to a different city and find my way, my place. Adrian made a comment about how easy it is for me to talk to people. And it's true. I find very little difficulty in venturing out of my comfort zone and embarrassing myself. So at least I have that advantage if I ever venture out.

I hope I can hold on to the motivation this place has provided me and be able to push myself to be better. I know a lot of my friends would venture out with me. So who wants to?

New England Adventures part 1

Good Morning!

It is about 9am in Massachusettes. It's rainy and foggy, but still about 45 degrees.
I've been getting up at 7am or earlier every morning since I've been out here.

On Saturday, Cat and I got up at 6am. We stayed at the Harring's house in New Hampshire so that we could get up early and climb Mt. Washington up to Tuckerman's Ravine. The New Hampshire house is high up in the mountains, so we got to throw wide the curtains on the wall to wall windows and watch the sunrise over the mountains. Gorgeous.

We made it to Pinkham's Notch, the entrance to the Tuckerman Trail, at about 7:30am. The weather was absolutely perfect. Sunny, clear skies and about 45 degrees the whole day. The hike was difficult since it was entirely uphill, but we managed to make it the nearly 4 miles in only about 2 hours. The hike down only took us about an hour. It was absolutely amazing though. I've never been in mountains like that before and it was breathtaking. You could just see mountains all around for miles and miles and miles. Amazing.

We made it back to the car and were on the road back to MA by about 11:30. We were pretty pleased with ourselves. And I wasn't even sore the next day! High fives!

That night we just tried to relax. We drove into Concord for dinner and just came back to the house, had a beer and went to bed.

Sunday we got up early with the girls and had a big breakfast of blueberry pancakes and bacon with the whole family. It was rainy and yucky yesterday, so we took the T into Boston and went to the Harlem Globetrotters game. It was everything I thought it would be. Kitschy, hillariously stupid and pretty sweet all at the same time. We only stayed until half time because Cat wasn't feeling well, but that's really all the Globetrotters you need.

When we got back, the girls decided that it was time to make cupcakes. Reiley and Alden picked out a recipe for Coconut Cupcakes with Coconut Cream Cheese Frosting. They did a really good job following the recipe and working together. I was really impressed. I decided to add some lime zest to the frosting to kick it up a bit and the results were, of course, delicious.

Heidi and Vaughn made steak, roasted potatoes and steamed broccoli for dinner and it was phenomonal. We all sat around and had a few glasses of wine, then Cat and I played a card game called Garbage for a few hours and we hit the hay.

Now I'm just sitting in the play room. The girls are all at school. Cat is showering. We decided today since it is still rainy that we're going to go to the Concord Museum and the Orchard House, which is where Louisa May Alcott wrote Little Women. Exciting! Hopefully we'll be hot tubbing sometime this afternoon as well.

I'm having such a lovely time. It's been relaxing and fun. Heidi and Vaughn keep telling me what a good sport I am for hanging around with the girls, but really I'm having a wonderful time with them. Cat has one of the best jobs ever.

Now it's my turn to shower. I'll have pictures soon I hope.

Rain.

Rainy days are good thinking days.

I've had too many long empty days lately. Too many laying in bed all day in and out of sleep because I'm so sick I feel like I could check out at any minute days.

I realized I don't really have a lot to say lately. Not anything important anyways.

I sometimes wish I could mediate. I mean sure I CAN, but effectively. Instead of wasting my down time emptying my mind, I wish I could be learning to open it. There is so much still that I have yet to discover within me. It's frustrating that what is outside takes over.

I'm ready to get away. I'm ready for a new adventure in Boston. I'm ready for the familiar arms of my best friend.

I will do anything to be able to take Japanese this summer and study abroad at Temple next year. ANYTHING. That is all I need. That is the change that I need. It's a part of me and I need to be free again. I'm so tired of being restless. I'd love to yearn for this place again, but all I feel is the inability to leave holding me down. It's going to take a lot for me to say "I wish I were in Minneapolis." Probably a month away at least. We'll see how this little excursion into the unknown goes next week.

I envy all of my friends that don't have to work and can just focus on school. No one knows how badly I wish that could be me.

Sunshine.

I slept all day yesterday, waking only to visit the doctor, eat and shower. I'm luck to have 4 good friends living just 5 blocks away. Bill, Jay and Max took care of me all day, going so far as going to the grocery store for me and driving me home in my car and walking back to their house. Sometimes you really just need someone to take care of you to help you feel better. I'm grateful, because I feel much much better today. So thank you boys for being good friends.

I've been having a lot of strange dreams lately. I hope that some of them mean something.

It's nice to not feel anxious about anything for once. Decisions are just decisions. Life always takes different courses, but what really matters never disappears. This can easily be demonstrated by my friendship with Joe Zimmer. We met almost 12 years ago, right before I entered the 6th grade. He and his family moved in a few blocks away from me. Ever since then he's been in and out of my life, sometimes in bigger ways than others. Not to mention my friendship with Catherine. She's been in and out of my life for 5 or 6 years now, and we're still very close. In fact, I'm flying to Boston to visit her in a week! So I think I just need to understand that the important relationships will never completely disappear. Life is funny that way.

I'm going home at 2, cleaning and making cake. Hopefully I can bust it out rather quickly. I really wanted to make it yesterday but as previously stated I wasn't really up to it.

The next two weeks will be so busy. Then when I get home I expect to see Natalie! YOU HEAR ME!?! Haha.
Fuck it. I miss everyone.

FOODFOODFOOD

As many of you may already know, I am obsessed with baking and food.

That being said, my very good friend Mike has recently decided to experiment with veganism and in doing so has become very interested in cooking. So the other night, we decided to make MOCHI!!!



Now if you're unfamiliar with Mochi, it's a traditional japanese dessert made basically from sweet rice flour and sugar. We found a recipe on Vegan Yum Yum, my favorite new vegan food blog, that literally took us 10 minutes to make. I'm sure it's one of the newest posts, but it was a very lucky discovery since I had to make something for class and was having a hard time deciding what I wanted to experiment with.

It went over really well in class and we were pretty pleased with ourselves as well. It was our first time every making mochi, and we made our own Anko for the filling too (a filling made of sugary adzuki beans that is commonly used in a lot of japanese baked goods). Overall it was a good experiment.

I just wish that I had way more time, because I absolutely love baking and trying new things. This summer will be baking all the time, I promise!

This week is Peanut Butter birthday cake for Nick Dahl's birthday! Yay!

Still a 15 year old Boy.

Mike bought the Avatar Trading Card Game for us to start playing. Mike is 23. I am 21. We play Pokemon cards. We make Japanese food together. We watch Avatar. Now we will play Avatar. I have a Pokemon half sleeve tattoo. I buy toys on a regular basis. I work at a toy store in fact. I never grew up past 15. But like 15 year old boy 15, not 15 year old girl 15. This is one of my favorite things about myself.

I'm feeling very content lately. Being sick gave me a lot of time to reflect. I have a small plan I want to implement over the next few semesters here to make my life really sweet. We'll see if it actually happens, but I feel like I have nothing holding me back anymore. I've shed all of my fear. I'm ready to take on life.

I'd really like to take Japanese this summer. And study abroad in Tokyo next spring semester. I can do it. Why not? What better time than now? Before I decide to have a real life and settle somewhere. I feel like I've already been settled for so long. I don't like that.

I've been having some fucking strange dreams lately. I have no idea what any of it means. But I like to remember them because they make good stories. I should really start keeping a dream journal. I could write a mess of short stories with the fucked up lucid dreams I have.

The exhibition is over in 2 weeks. I get to see my BFF Cat in 2 weeks. I get to explore Boston and the east coast in 2 weeks. My life will be sweet in 2 weeks.

Also I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that I was recently compared to Che Guevara by one of my teachers. Um. Thanks?

I am a conquerer.

Designar?

I made a book for my class this morning. I sort of decided to do it last night on a whim. I had all the content but I didn't have a nice visual way to present it. I decided to make a little book to make the information a little more tactile. It felt really good to do. It was just a little extra work and it made the presentation of my material much more exciting than a word document. I decided that I want to do more assignments like that. It made me feel really accomplished and I was actually proud of what I had to show. Yay books!

I still can't stop fucking coughing today. It sucks big time. I'm so done with this stupid sickness. Quit it!

I could seriously listen to Billie Holiday all day every day forever. So good.

Only 3 more weeks til the exhibition is over and I'm off to Boston FUCK YES.

Lists.

Kitten gets twitchy when she sleeps.
I write stories about a photograph from 4 different perspectives.
I listen to Billie Holiday all day.
I miss Natalie.
I make pizza from scratch.
I don't feel like cleaning my house.
I'm lonelynotlonely.
I don't like washing my hair, but I do twice a week.
Kitten always steps on my laptop while it's open.
I wish I had a beautiful kitchen and lots of money to experiment with food.
I need to read some books.
I need to buy a book.
I should probably brush my teeth because I need to leave soon and I ate pizza.
I should probably finish my homework.
Let's call the whole thing off!
I love Billie Holiday.
My mom things that's weird.
I'm going to give Max a hair cut I guess.
I just want to hang out with Natalie.
I don't really know about anything I decided.
I forgot to close my window and it's been open for like 3 or 4 days now, but it hasn't been cold. It's been rather pleasant.
I can't find my travel mug.
Mike and I made vegan casserole and vegan banana chocolate chip bread last night. It was delicious.
I love cooking.
I need to work.
I tweet too much.
I don't really like ginger ale I don't think.
I need to be a good student.
I don't really know what I need.

I think I'm done blogging now.

Go back to the start.

I love the new Lilly Allen album. It's fucking fantastic. I keep listening to it over and over again at work. I'm pretty sure people are going to start getting real sick of me real quick.

Last night was silly. Alison's 21st birthday. We kicked ass at beer pong. I met some cool people. Had a good time. And people seemed to like the cake. I of course could find nothing but problems with it, but that's how I am with anything I bake. I'm just like my Grandma that way.

I'm feeling pretty alright today. Things are sort of just floating lately. But I'm kind of alright with that. I'm just going to be whatever I am. John Paul Sarte would high five me right now.

There's a new version of Pokemon coming out on the 22nd. Anyone want to buy it for me? Thx.

Tired eyes

I just drank a travel mug full of french press and my eyes are heavy and my head feels light. I've only been sick for a week and it already feels like an eternity. All I want to do is go back to sleep.

I would really like to snap out of my funk and become a fully functioning human being again. I feel like I've been a zombie at work and school and I'm not really doing a good enough job of things. I feel like I've been extra flakey and letting my friends down. I'm just so tired. I'm so so tired.

It was my Grandma Marlus' birthday yesterday. My brother and I went and visited her grave. It was strange. I still remember what she smells like. I still remember how she used to laugh. And call me skinny minnie. And baby girl. And hug me so tight whenever I came home to visit. And the way she would get so frustrated about everything and point her finger at you.
I remember holding her hand and telling her "I'm not worried Grandma. You're a fighter." That was the last time I got to see her.

It really doesn't seem like it's been almost 3 years. I miss her so much still. I feel like next time I go home she'll just be there with cookies and kisses and everything will be okay. I wish. I wish so hard.

Ugh. I want to be back in my bed with my kitten plz.

We change, we wait.

I feel numbed. And I know people say that a lot, but it's true. There is no real anything resonating from inside of me. It's all just reaction. There is no real emotion behind anything I do lately. No real rationale. I am lost again. I'm trying so hard not to start floating away again.

But it just gets easier and easier and easier. What matters? I have no idea.

I know this sounds stupid. I know this sounds absolutely selfish and sad and absurd. But I can't feel logic anymore. I can't feel happy or sad or anything. Because I spent so long feeling scared and introspective and worried, that nothing makes sense if I'm not trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. And I spent so long caring for someone that I thought cared for me. But then... I don't even want to think about it. It's not that he doesn't care. I know he cares. It's just... I hate to sounds like an asshole... but it just wasn't enough. It wasn't what I thought. It wasn't what I felt. It just.... it wasn't.

But all I want to do is go back to his house and sit with him and hold his hand and tell him it will all be okay and that he doesn't need to worry. That I'm there. But I've become a ghost. I feel like I don't even have a reflection anymore. I'm just nothing. But I'm here. I know I am. I see my breath when I walk outside. I feel my heart. I feel my muscles. But that's all I can feel. The simple bag of skin I am. I feel what's tangible. But everything inside of me, the things that make me human, they've all disappeared.

I promise, if you see me, I'll smile. I'll laugh. I'll make jokes. I'll listen. I'll even hold your hand and tell you everything will be okay. I might even be fun to hang out with. But inside, I'm dead. Half-dead. Near-dead.

When do I get someone to come hold my hand and tell me not to worry because everything will be okay?

Obsessive

I had a dream last night that a bookstore had an overstock of a bunch of books that they were just giving away for free. I happened upon a bin outside of their door, and EVERY SINGLE DONNA HAY BOOK EVER was in the bin, as well as some novels I've been wanting to read. I wanted this dream to be real so badly. I am absolutely a pathetic person.

I also had this weird dream that I can't really remember right now, but then I had a dream that I was telling someone about the weird dream that I had. Super bizarre.

My brain hasn't been working lately. I've got the flu I'm fairly certain. I've felt completely off since last Sunday. I hope I'm not sick for much longer. I can't take it.

Expressionless.

I'm sitting in front of Starbucks on Washington in my car lurking Wi-Fi, waiting for Mike to get out of class. I already had coffee today, so I didn't really feel like paying for something else.

I feel incredibly empty today. I'm trying to smile and laugh but it all seems so forced. I don't know what I'm doing. I just feel like I'm drifting and responding to things the way I'm conditioned to. Everything is absolutely so contrived. I am blank.

I walked by the tea place twice, not on purpose. The first time I managed not to look in. The second time Luke was pointing something out and I saw him. I instantly felt a wave of crushing, sickening sadness. Everything feels wrong. I have no idea.

I'm going to Natalie's soon to make sushi. I'm really glad that she is my friend. I just hope I can be a little bit fun to hang out with.

What Am I Supposed to do?

Today has been the worst.

I have no idea.

I can't even move.

Ugh. Fuck everything.

Bad Coffee

Srsly. One of the worst things ever is when you get up in the morning, decide to grab a coffee to get you going, swing down to your favorite local spot, and the coffee is TERRIBLE. Fuck. I'm a half soy/half espresso kind of gal. And that shit just tasted like water. I NEED STRONG COFFEE. Ugh. Now my whole day is thrown off.

On a lighter note, I just finished a quiz, I'm sitting in the library and I ate some yogurt that tasted delicious. I guess things aren't all bad.

This week has been crazy busy and it won't stop until....never. I'm going to be busy all week and next week. Ugh. Spring break get here soon plz. Thx.

Also I got a really awesome package in the mail the other day that totally made my life. I have really cool friends.

Always 10 steps ahead of myself.

Today has already been crazy. Tomorrow will be worse.

I slept in this morning and didn't work out. Bad idea. Tomorrow I have to get up at 6:30am to even have a half hour to get ready to go in the morning. There's NO WAY I am getting up earlier than that. Ugh.

Things I need to purchase in the near future:
-plane ticket to Boston: $300
-wii fit: $100
-moccasins for summertime: $60-$100
Ugh. That's already $500. I hate moneys.

Anyone have a wii fit they want to sell for like $60? I'll totally take it off your hands.

I need to set up a clear cut budget for myself I think. That would be way legit.

I'm 3/4 of the way done with my Ethics homework. Haven't started my rough draft for Publishing. Want to go to Buffalo Wild Wings with Miranda and company tonight. Picking up Cody to run to target after work. Want to go to Derek and Sara's later. NOT ENOUGH TIME IN THE DAY.

I wish there were 3 of me.

I am a girl.

Sometimes it's hard to believe how girly I am. Because I am so not a girly girl.

But hot damn. Yesterday just drove me right up the wall. Valentines. No I don't care about it. But you know, it got me thinking. I would really love to be taken out on a proper date. Just cruise around, go to the zoo or the museum, have a nice lunch or dinner or picnic. Spend the whole day together being cute and stupid because sometimes it's fun to be cute and stupid. And then at the end of the night we could just fall asleep together and everything would feel alright.

Fuck. I seriously would really like for that to happen.

And today, I cried while I was watching something because the two main characters finally found love in each other. WHICH IS SO CORNY AND GROSS. But I did. I teared up. And I sobbed a bit. Ugh. I don't know.

WHY AM I SUCH A GIRL?!?

Checked Out.

I should really have learned my lesson and never taken a Friday class. I can't pay attention for more than like 5 minutes at a time, and even that is incredibly hard to do.

I spent over an hour (but what seemed like only 10 minutes) at Kitchen Window this morning. I finally found a mandolin I liked for a decent price AND I found some lollipop moulds that I actually like. Yay! It's surprisingly hard to find lollipop moulds. I also bought a nice pair of tongs since I don't have any. I lack a lot of kitchen essentials I'm realizing. I think I need to buy some better knives soon. And pans. Oh god I need everything.

I think I'm making lollipops tonight just to do a test run. And bonus: we get to drink the extra gin. Nomz.

I seriously have been craving like a seriously good meal all week. After lunch at Lucia's I'm on a mission for delicious foodz. Maybe I need to cook tonight...

WTF kind of day.

So luckily, my rent check didn't bounce. However, now my bank account is negative about 60$. Oh. And my phone bill didn't get paid. Oh. And I have less than 40$ in my wallet to last until I get paid on friday. Oh. And my mom is in Alabama right now so she can't pay my phone bill. Oh. Awsm.

Then Amanda calls me and is so so sick. She managed to drag herself into work but asks me to come in early. No problemo. But I have to do this photo shoot for Liz. No problemo. But I have to feed London. Oh shi.... I guess I'll do it on my way to work. Oh wait. I have to be there ASAP cuz Amanda already left? Oh shi... okay, we can swing this. Guess I'll feed London after work. Let me just call Cody and....Oh shi... No phone. Oh well. I'll just send him a message when I get to work. Oh great. Now what? Gas light goes on. Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Cool. Guess I'm living on 30$...

Get to work. Find a parking spot no problem. Yes this day is getting better! Then... it's raining? Um? IT'S FEBRUARY IN MINNESOTA AND IT'S RAINING?!?!?!?! I still haven't decided if this is good or bad. But weird and awesome none the less.

So I wander over to Erberts and Gerberts to get soup and sandwich. Sandwich is good, soup is terrible. Great. Now I'm living on 25$. What a dumb idea.

So now I'm sitting at work doing homework. It's almost 6pm. Which means the day could potentially get worse, but it might get better? Let's hope it gets better.

I seriously don't understand why it takes 2 fucking months for MCAD to get me my refund check. $5000 sure would be helpful right now. FUCK.

These are the times that I wish I had a credit card. But I don't know if that would cause more problems or just help me when it comes down to times like these. Sigh. Here's to hoping I make it through this week unscathed.

Hidden in Plain View

I'm trying to push through everything and get to where I want to be. I feel a little overwhelmed. My problem is always follow through.

I think I'm going to go to the fish market after work and get something there to make lunch with. I dunno. I want to make a nice lunch/dinner for myself but I can't decide what to make. Guess I have to sit and do research for the next few hours!

Cody gave me his internet password so I'm able to get some internet at my house. It's pretty spotty, but it's alright. It makes it really hard to watch Avatar though...

I feel sort of strange today. Floating. I'm not sure if that's good or bad or where I'll go next, but that's okay.

I want it to stay warm. I need sun and bike riding and beaches sooner than later.

Every place is a house.

I'm sitting at work now. Listening to Pandora Radio and staring blankly at the minutes ticking on. I am slouching. My arm is sore and my head aches and I feel so tired. I have to get up at 8am again tomorrow, just like today, just like every day, to work and have meetings and run all around and read and read and read until I am cross eyed.

I like it this way.

I've found solace in books lately. In the library. I've never been one to venture into the library just because. Now I find myself winding up there more and more.

The only things it seems I do for fun are so inane. I like to bake and cook. I like to read. Those are my hobbies. Nothing exciting. But yet so exhilarating to me.

I commented the other day that if my 19 year old self were to meet my 21 year old self she would say "You have GOT to be kidding me. When did you get so.... boring?"

In reality, I feel like I've probably never been able to have this much fun. Because I relish it now. I'm never bored unless I'm forced to sit. And even then I am thinking. Or reading. Or writing. Or plotting my next dish or cupcake.

I feel like I'm really using my mind again. Like I've learned to live in and out side of myself.

Logic and tranquility are in no short supply these days. I feel sure and courageous again. Self doubt is vanishing. It is a good feeling.

Here's to more in the future.

Word Vomit.

I've been having fucking mouth diarrhea lately. I cannot control what I say and I'm annoyed by the sound of my own voice. I'm going into hiding today so I don't say more stupid things to people that shouldn't hear them.

Last night was fun but I'm crawling out of my skin today. I need to be more tactful. I know it's not even a big deal but srsly. I can't behave myself lately. But cupcakes and vodka was definitely a fantastic idea. I'm the only person I know that gets a party going by saying "HEY LET'S GET DRUNK AND MAKE CUP CAKES!!" So good.

Derek is letting me use his old iphone. He deserves a kitchen aid for his kindness. O WAI...

Also I can now say that I have been to Cadillac Pawn. LOLLERZ.

Doing things you've never done.

Today I went and had acupuncture. She put 17 needles in my body and let me lay like that for a half hour. It was one of the coolest things I've ever done. I really want to do it again.

I didn't go to class today. I just felt so good and relaxed after the acupuncture I just didn't even feel like doing anything.

I bought things to make 2 types of cupcakes. I'd really like for my oven to stop being horrible. I have plans dammit!

Poohki and I had sake last night and had so many good talks. I had a really good time. I just have nothing but good things to say lately.

Today has been lovely. I'm at Derek and Sara's hanging tou now, watching the food network, and Sara is making dinner. She's never made dinner for herself, let alone other people. I'm excited. I can't listen right now.

Perspective.

This is my week. You can stop asking me why I'm always busy now.

Donna Hay is my new favorite magazine.

Necessity.

I need love and conversation.
I need baking and creativity.
I need friends and adventures.
I need learning and reading.
I need guidance and freedom.

That is all.

Bananas

I've been eating banana everything lately. All I want is bananas all day. Yesterday I was craving banana bread and today all I can think about is Derek's banana muffins.

Last night was a mess of fun. Miranda invited me to the Bedlam theater with her, Lauren, Benjamin and Sheena. She sang a beautiful song she wrote, we drank and laughed. It was actually really awesome. Sort of a cabaret type performance shindig going on. There was one woman that wouldn't stop fucking yelling though and I wanted to sock her in the mouth. Obnoxious.

After that we went to Grumpy's and sang karaoke really horribly/excellently. I had a marvelous time. It was a wonderful night.

Somehow I got a split in my knuckle that I didn't notice until I was brushing my teeth to go to bed last night. It hurts really badly. I hate having cuts there it's absolutely the worst place.

Kitten kept biting my feet last night. There is construction going on across the hall every weekday morning starting at like 7:30am. I did not sleep very well. I keep having really strange dreams about art museums and parties and people I used to know. I don't know what it all means, but I think it means I am missing something.

My mom is coming to stay with my tomorrow. She's bringing me a kitchen table and taking me shopping for chairs. I can't say I'm not incredibly excited because I am THE MOST excited. I'm going to make dinner for my mom, brother and Cody hopefully. I'm doing an internet search for menu items today. And I'm going to make cupcakes too for dessert. Noms!

This week has been fast and dreamy. I'm continuing my search. And writing letters. I'm going to ask my mom about culinary school. Tomorrow. I need a new book to read.

Also I am lusting after these.

Cuppacake.

Alright whatever. I'm done complaining.

All I've been doing this week is reading cooking blogs. I would really love to have a Kitchen Aid mixer. I'd also love to go to culinary school. These are things that I think I should pursue. At least the latter.

I should be working on my objectives for my internship, but since I don't have MS Word (fuuuuuuck. Thanks for crashing, computer!), I'm blogging instead.

I have class in 20 minutes. First class I'm attending this semester. Seems crazy considering I was at school all day Monday, Tuesday, and all day today. 5 meetings from 8:30 to 3:30. What a crazy day. It wasn't that bad. It's just weird to be like....in a career but at school but with two jobs but not really sure what I want to do with my life. Social life? What's that? I hang out with my cat...? Does that count?


I'm going to start writing letters this week.

I got some really good news this morning.

Tickets to NY are only 200$ right now....

Let's just get it all into place.

Austin for Culinary school? Hmmmmmmmmm.

Don't Blog.

Seriously. My blog is stupid. All I do is talk about how sad I am. How I can't make any decisions. Or how great my day was/life is. But what the fuck. Everything I write is so bi-polar it doesn't even goddamn make sense. So why do I even type in this space? I haven't even been decent at writing for years. I lost my savvy when I started college it seems like. I stopped reading as much, started doing other things, lost time, lost interest. What the fuck am I even interested in anymore? Reading blog entries of mine from when I was 19 up until now is like reading the journal of 10 different people.

I don't know what I want. I never do. I think I do, but I don't. I can never make up my mind. I want it all. I want none of it. I am probably insane. I feel too much. I think too much. I worry too much. I wish I could shut it off. I could logic it all away. Bury myself in tasks and work. Forget that I even have emotions.


Just forget it. Forget all of it. I don't want to care anymore. Being selfish is easier. Being self-reliant is easier. I'm a teenage girl. I fucking cry and whine and complain and that's all I'm good at. And THAT is depressing.

Decisions.

I suppose I'm going to be heading for New York and Boston over spring break. Nu Metal Joe decided that he wanted to take on the adventure with me, so I figured I may as well. If I save only 40$ a week for the next 11 weeks I'll have enough for a plane ticket, food, and a little extra if I budget. So why the hell not? I've never been anywhere for spring break and I'm graduating next year, so I may as well take some time. I've also never been to the east coast, so fuck it. Plus we have free lodging in both places so what better time than now?

I've started to retreat into myself quite a bit, but I've discovered that this is a good thing. I'm doing the things I want to do, and that's all that matters. I've been much happier as of late. My feelings of dread have subsided. Sure, there's a lot of could haves and should haves, but right now is all I have, and there's plenty of time for all of that in the future. I'm young. I feel old, but I'm quite young. Yes, life is hard, there's always tough decisions, but whatever. That's how you figure it all out. That's how you guide yourself.

And that's just what I need to be doing. Guiding myself.

I wonder if I could go to culinary school after I graduate from MCAD....

Ghost

Well something finally hit me. Or maybe I hit it.

I felt like garbage for two days. Slept most of both of them. Didn't bother calling anyone to hang out. Just hid in my apartment and ate applesauce. Funny thing was, nobody called me. No one asked me what I was doing. Nobody even sent me a text asking how I was feeling. I was completely alone.

I didn't really mind. But it made me really think. Am I really that alone? Who are my real friends? Do I even have any real friends?

I feel so alone and tired most of the days. But I feel okay about it most of the time. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. Maybe this time I really disappeared for good. Does that mean I'm ready to move? Maybe it's time to go. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the sign I needed that my comfort in this town is starting to expire.

I feel like a broken record. I'm just going to sit at work and eat a banana and hope that I can start to motivate myself soon. If I didn't have to work, I don't think I'd ever leave my apartment. Please let this medicine start to wear in soon. I'm too tired for anything.

Food Network

I seriously think if I had cable, I would just watch the Food Network and never ever leave. I wish I could learn everything about cooking.

I started taking Lexapro. I've felt like a zombie for the last two days because of it. It takes about 2 weeks for your body to get used to it I guess, but I really hope it goes much faster than that. I can barely use my brain. It's so annoying.

Paula Deen is the best. She always talks about quantity when she talks about food. "The cookies don't have very many calories so you can eat like 6 of 'em ya'll!" So good. I also love when she reacts to her own food with shock that it tastes good.

Also she just said "I FEEL LIKE I'M IN ASIA YA'LL!" Goddamn.

I got my computer back but it doesn't even feel like mine. I wish I would have just had to buy a new one. Now that I have my old one and everything is gone from it I'm just like angry at my computer for crashing. I suppose it will pass, but I'm just really bummed out right now. Ugh. No music, no programs, no bookmarks even. All my recipes...ugh. Whatever.

Alison, Derek and I are going to make food I guess. I just want a nap.

3rd Grade Best Friends.

I guess I'm going to start taking something for my anxiety. It's really starting to effect not only me but the people around me. I can't have that. I can't be a ball of nerves all day every day. I guess you only have to take Ativan when you feel anxious, not every day, so I'll only have to take it once in awhile. I think that's a small price to pay for being able to function normally. And it will pass. It always does. And then I won't have to take anything for awhile.

Cody is gone on a road trip for 2 weeks. Cat leaves for Boston tomorrow. Megan goes back to Spain on Monday. I would gladly swap with any of them. Well. Maybe not with Cat. I couldn't be a Nanny. Yikes. Winter always makes me feel like I need to get the hell out of wherever I am. I just want to move somewhere that doesn't get down to below zero temperatures. Of course, I can never commit to anything because I'm too damn scared. So we'll see what happens.

I'll figure it all out soon. And I will be stable again. And I won't lean so much on my loved ones. I just have to work hard to not let anything get the best of me.

Also, I need to cook and/or bake something soon.
And my Macbook crashed and I lost everything. So if anyone wants to give me music, I would be way psyched.